Positive Daily Inspiration - May 22, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES
(Submitted with our great thanks)
“May the Lord rejoice in God’s works.”
Psalms 104:31
REAL PRINTED NEWSPAPER HEADLINES:
Alton attorney accidentally sues himself.
County to pay $250,000 to advertise lack of funds.
Volunteers search for old Civil War planes. (And you thought the Wright brothers were first.)
Army vehicle disappears. In the story it says, “An Australian Army vehicle where $74,000 has gone missing after being painted with camouflage.”
Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum.
10 Commandments — Supreme Court says some okay, some not.
Utah poison control center reminds everyone not to take poison.
Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons.
Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops significantly after age 25.
One armed man applauds the kindness of strangers.
One newspaper article about a robber, shows a picture of a police officer composite showing a hooded man with glasses on, please – anyone seen this man.
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Did you hear about the 89-year-old woman who talked herself out of a speeding ticket by telling the young officer that she had to get there before she forgot where she was going.
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The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, “You stay here; I’ll go on a-head.”
I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: “Keep off the Grass.”
A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, “No change yet.”
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium, at large.
The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes in-verse.
In democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, I know that you always give me the choice of turning endings into new beginnings.
Help me to make the adjustments in my life that I need to make.
Reward me with God-given strength for my new endeavor.
With God is my guide, today I make a fresh start.
God, I ask you to bless this new beginning in my life and everyone who is a part of it.
In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Praise God for the life that invigorates me! I experience good health.
POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.” Leo Buscaglia
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