Positive Daily Inspiration - July 10, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES
(Submitted with our great thanks)
“Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9
Internal Revenue Service Letter
Here is one person’s answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of a former year’s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.
Dear Sirs:
I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my Federal Tax return.
Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year.
Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions.
They are yours!
The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!
I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns.
While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.
Taxes should be a breeze.
Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.
Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence.
This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.
Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if he is not incarcerated first.
In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.
He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Washington DC?
Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.
I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.
This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.
DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.
(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)
Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours.
She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the school has dropped it.
But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!
It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).
She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.
The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.
There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it.
Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.
You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take.
I prefer that you take the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free!
If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.
If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.
Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.
Yours truly,
Bob
Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund. 🙂
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Our Lord’s Prayer
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive our debts,
As we have also forgiven our debtors.
And leave us not in temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen
(Personal note from Reverend Chenoweth: The Lord’s Prayer is an “US” prayer, not an “I” prayer. Praying for the good of ALL from God.)
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: God blesses me through every new day.
POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.”
Henri Nouwen
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