Positive Daily Inspiration - August 7, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES
(Submitted with our thanks)
“I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.”
Psalm 71:14
I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.
But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
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My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.
THE SENILITY PRAYER:
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.
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Stockbroker or Frog
Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”
One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.
The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”
The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”
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Football Wedding
Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.
One says, “It’s ridiculous. He’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”
The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”
“What do you call it?”
“We call it a football wedding.”
The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”
The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”
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An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty-thousand dollars.
Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”
Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”
Sally said, “No.”
Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”
Sally said, “Don’t believe him; he’s getting senile.”
The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”
Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “
The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, prepare me on this Sabbath to be a better person so that I can live all the days of my life following in Your example.
In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: My inner joy comes forth to be united with my thoughts and lived in my life.
POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” Frank Lloyd Wright
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth