Positive Daily Inspiration – September 11, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 23:6

People were asked to submit actual quotes from real-life managers. Here are the winners:

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp,)

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ‘That would be better for me.’
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

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An elderly man in Tennessee had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, since he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women in bikinis in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond in your small bikinis.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

(Some old men can still think fast.)

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

As we unite in prayer, we pray that you will be inspired and blessed,
and will be helping to bless and inspire others. Our prayers do not stop
with us. May you, and those you pray for, receive very special blessing
from God. May your life be enriched and made new by the power of God.
As our lives touch others today visiting church, or praying where we are,
let us know that with God there is always new opportunity. Every positive
prayer, every constructive word, every movement in the direction of faith,
makes it possible for God to do great things through us.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Wherever I am, God is and therefore I can begin again on the road to my success.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “I found the secret to eternal youth. I lie about my age.” Bob Hope

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth