Positive Daily Inspiration – September 18, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.”
Galatians 5:25

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So, then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

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After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois … Chica Gogh
His magician uncle … Wherediddy Gogh
His Spanish cousin … Amee Gogh
The Spanish cousin’s American half brother … Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt … Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wellsfar Gogh
His arrogant uncle … E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking … Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van … Winnie BayGogh

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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny!?

What are 2, 4, 8 and 10?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, ABC, and the Cartoon Network!”

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A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. He gets into the taxi and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I am so thankful that You fill me with Your light and show me the way. You gently guide me so that I am sure and steady. You lead me to a place where I can be most helpful, and You remind me to be confident and stand firm once I am there. You direct my thoughts so that I am enriched by Divine ideas. Dear God, here are my hands, my heart, my whole being. I want to be Your light and love in action. I am ready to spread goodwill wherever I am.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I applied my efforts with God. God’s joy is established in me and in my life. God’s joy governs me in all that I do!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”
Woodrow Wilson

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth