Positive Daily Inspiration – November 20, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Thus says the Lord … ‘ I am the first and I am the last.'”
Isaiah 44:6

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter.”

“I can handle that without a problem” she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “A shampoo, of sorts, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

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Grandma’s Peanuts

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.

There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,

So, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts.”

Grandma says, “You’re welcome . Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.”

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

God is infinite good, and God’s Spirit of life and love permeates everyone and everything on this marvelous planet that we call home. Today in prayer we give thanks for the beauty that is everywhere on earth and for the diversity of people, plants and animals that make our home a wonder-filled place to live. With God’s help conditions can only improve as the loving Spirit of God moves through each of us to bless the Earth and all that it contains.

Thank You God!

Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: By Divine inspiration, I am now guided daily to the places where I can bless and be bountifully blessed in return.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “It is good to rub and polish our brains against that of others.”
Michel de Montaigne

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GOD BLESS YOU, Happy Thanksgiving!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth