Positive Daily Inspiration – November 27, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Clap your hands, all you peoples; shout to God with loud songs of joy.”
Psalms 47:1

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response..”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Then she says, in an exasperated voice,

“Ralph, … for the FIFTH time, … CHICKEN!”

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

________

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days … and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”

“Vell, I tink so,” the old Rabbi said, “but I vouldn’t go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.” “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.”Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? … .. Trust me, I vouldn’t go dere.”

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.” Oh, you know Jewish people don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me.”

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy … .. vait a minute.” He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. “Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake!

It vuzn’t a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, when I am open to fully experiencing Your love for me, as I am right now, I receive an infusion of comfort and strength. The power of Your love allows me to accomplish what I may have felt only a few minutes ago that I could not accomplish.

With Your help all is possible.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: The spirit of God’s joy is within me as life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.”
Aristotle

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth