POSITIVE DAILY INSPIRATION - February 5, 2023
The Sunday Funnies
“For you shall go out and joy and be led back in peace.”
Isaiah 55:12
BOB HOPE America’s funny man lived to age 100
CLASSIC HOPE:
ON TURNING 70: “You still chase women, but only downhill.”
ON TURNING 80: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”
ON TURNING 90: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”
ON TURNING 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER IN BOXING: “I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”
ON SAILORS: “They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure.”
ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.”
ON GOLF: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”
ON PRESIDENTS: “I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham’.”
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”
ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY: “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”
ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”
ON GOING TO HEAVEN: “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”
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CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?
A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.
He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather … “are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks … so, he ask again,
“Are you sure these plates are clean”?
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said,
“I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!”
As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game, he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,
“COLDWATER, Go lay down~!”
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Children’s Bedtime Prayer
Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep:
May God guard me through the night
And wake me with the morning light.
Amen. (Traditional)
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
With God’s ever-present help, I am filled with new courage. I am poised and serene.
POSITIVE (Funny) DAILY QUOTE:
“Solutions are not the answer.”
Richard Nixon
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