(Submitted with our great thanks)
“A happy heart is like good medicine.”
1. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a people gain 5 lbs.
2. My mind not only wanders; it sometimes leaves completely.
3. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
4. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.
5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
6. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today …
7. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.
8. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear …
9. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!
10. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like … ‘You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ … Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat!
Do not talk to my parrot!
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repair person. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I will mail you a check. Oh, don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you.”
“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”
“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally, the repair person could not contain himself any longer and yelled,
“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, help me to continuously refocus my attention on things in my life that are positive.
With You God, my glass is never half-empty.
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I bathe myself in God’s joy, and I am cleansed with optimism.
POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt”
Charles Schultz, cartoonist
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