Positive Daily Inspiration – August 6, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

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(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“They … were praying and singing hymns to God … and immediately ALL the doors were opened.”
Acts 16:23-26

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again’?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed … !

‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”

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A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got his test back and $64 change.

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“Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon,” a preacher told his summertime congregation.

The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church came along.

The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, “Way to go, Pastor, cut ’em short.”

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Grandma says, “Think positive – it keeps you young.” For example, I fell down the stairs today and I thought WOW – that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!

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The following is not meant to be funny, but something to be pondered upon this Sunday. This is said to have been posted on a church door in England. I like this. I believe something like it, should be posted on every church door:

“We extend a special welcome to those who are single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, confused, filthy rich, comfortable, or dirt poor. We extend a special welcome to those who are crying newborns, skinny as a rake or could afford to lose a few pounds. You’re welcome if you are Old Leigh, New Leigh, Not Leigh, or just passing by. We welcome you if you can sing like Pavarotti or can’t carry a note in a bucket. You’re welcome here if you’re ‘just browsing,’ just woke up or just got out of prison. We don’t care if you’re more Christian than the Archbishop of Canterbury, or haven’t been in church since little Jack’s christening. We extend a special welcome to those who are over 60 but not grown up yet, and to teenagers who are growing up too fast. We welcome keep-fit mums, football dads, starving artists, tree-huggers, latte-sippers, vegetarians, junk-food eaters. We welcome those who are in recovery or still addicted. We welcome you if you’re having problems or you’re down in the dumps or if you don’t like ‘organized religion.’ We’ve been there too! If you blew all your money on the horses, you’re welcome here. We offer a welcome to those who think the earth is flat, ‘work too hard,’ don’t work, can’t spell, or because grandma is in town and wanted to go to church. We welcome those who are inked, pierced or both. We offer a special welcome to those who could use a prayer right now, had religion shoved down your throat as a kid or got lost on the London Road and wound up here by mistake. We welcome tourists, seekers and doubters, bleeding hearts … and you!”

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POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God,

I let you be in absolute control of my life and affairs.
This keeps me stable even when it seems that situations are not unfolding as I had planned.
God I realize that the Divine plan is higher than my own.
God you are always with me and my highest good is eternally unfolding.

God you are in charge of all that concerns me.
I hold to this truth even in the midst of discouragement.
I acknowledge that You are the source of my good and infinitely able to set conditions right.
I have faith in God’s power to adjust and transform every circumstance.
I place myself and everything that concerns me in Your care and keeping.
God you are in charge of my life, and I relax.
In faith I know that all is well.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am happy and cheerful, for I know that nothing can separate me from the joy of God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The two most important days in your life are, the day you were born, and the day you find out why.”
Mark Twain

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