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(Submitted with our great thanks)
“Create in me a clean heart, O God, and I will put a new and right spirit within me.”
Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
What if my dog only brings back my ball because he thinks I like throwing it?
If poison expires, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
Which letter is silent in the word “Scent,” the S or the C?
Why is the letter W, in English, called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?
Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and It just takes 75-100 years to fully work.
Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty
The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
Intentionally losing a game of rock, paper, scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
Your future self is watching you right now through memories.
The doctors that told Stephen Hawking he had two years to live in 1953 are probably dead.
If you replace “W” with “T” in “What, Where and When”, you get the answer to each of them.
Many animals probably need glasses, but nobody knows it.
A whale swims all day, only eats fish, and drinks water, but is still fat.
A rabbit runs, and hops, and only lives 15 years, while a tortoise doesn’t run, and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years. And they tell us to exercise?
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it?
4. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than it was to get wiser.
5. Some days, you’re the top dog, some days you’re the hydrant.
6. Kids in the back-seat cause accidents.
7. The world only beats a path to your door when you’re in the bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
9. When I’m finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
10. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth..
11. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter. I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m “here after”.
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth and be done with it! We have a 10:00 am tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already … and I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!”
The dentist thought to himself, “Well, well, at last a golfer with real nerve!”
So, the dentist asks him, “Which tooth is it, sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said,
“Open your mouth, honey, and show the dentist.”
CHURCH SIGN BOARDS:
“CHURCH CAR PARK – FOR MEMBERS ONLY,”
“Trespassers will be baptized!”
“No God – No Peace.”
“Know God – Know Peace.”
“Free Trip to heaven – Details Inside!”
“Try our Sundays – They’re better than Dairy Queen’s”.
“Searching for a new look? – Have your faith lifted here!”
“People are like tea bags — you have to put them in hot water before you know how strong they are.”
“Fight truth decay – study the Bible daily.”
“How will you spend eternity – Smoking or Nonsmoking?”
“Dusty Bibles lead to Dirty Lives”
“It is unlikely there’ll be a reduction in the wages of sin.”
“Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.”
“If you’re headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.”
“If you don’t like the way you were born, try being born again.”
“This is a ch_ _ ch – What is missing? — (U R)”
“In the dark? – Follow the Son.”
“Running low on faith? – Step in for a fill-up.”
“If you can’t sleep, don’t count sheep – Talk to the Shepherd.”
“Come work for the Lord – The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low, but the retirement benefits are out of this world.”
An ad for one Church has a picture of two hands holding stone tablets on which the Ten Commandments are inscribed and a headline that reads, “For fast, fast, fast relief take two tablets.”
When the restaurant next to another Church put out a big sign with red letters that said, “Open Sundays,” the church reciprocated with its own message: “We are open on Sundays, too.”
AND THE WINNER – ON THE PASTOR’S PARKING SPOT –
“PASTOR’S SPOT – YOU PARK, YOU PREACH”
POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, thank You, for Your presence in my life today.
Your will of good for me cleanses and heals my heart and mind.
Dear God, thank You for wisdom and guidance.
I appreciate the ability to look beyond appearances to Your eternal good that awaits my calling.
Dear God, thank You for filling me with wonderful ideas that enrich my life with new purpose and meaning.
I am grateful for the rich blessings and opportunities these ideas represent.
Dear God, thank you for inner perfection that can be expressed in all the circumstances of my life.
I gratefully express health, order, prosperity, peace, love, and joy to all I meet.
Dear God, thank You for cleansing my mind and heart of the error thoughts and feelings.
I am thankful for a new way of life.
In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I greet this day – like a happy dog!
POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“If you have zest and enthusiasm you attract zest and enthusiasm from others. Life does give back in kind.”
Dr. Norman Vincent Peale
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.