Positive Daily Inspiration – January 14, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

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“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear … for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer were being hit by cars” and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.

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My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

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I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

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The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

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I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

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When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”

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D. I. E. T. stands for … Did I Eat That?

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A lawyer and a woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now this woman happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works.

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.” Again, the woman politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer thinks he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this? If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the woman’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the woman and hands her $500.

The woman politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

He wakes the woman again and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?”

The woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I know that I never need to feel confused or fearful about anything in life – not when I turn to You in prayer.
You assure me that I am not alone.
You are with me in every condition, situation, or circumstance, filling me with reassurance and peace of mind.
Because I am one with You, I feel Your strength and I have the fearlessness of God.
Through every hour of the day and night, I am strengthened and sustained by Your power.
Courage wells up within me now. I live life fully, knowing that You are with me.
At this very moment You bring a presence of peace and serenity to my heart.

Thank You God.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I give myself permission to become a child again and enjoy this year with wonder and awe.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

George Burns said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

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