Positive Daily Inspiration - October 29, 2023
Sunday Funnies
a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net
̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶
(Submitted with our great thanks)
“Beloved, we are God’s children now.”
1 John 3:2
A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”
“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.
“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”
“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”
“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”
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A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”
The young man parks his car, whips out his iPad computer, connects it to his iPhone, surfs to a Google page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another Google satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives a notice that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his iPad and after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not.”
“You’re a consultant,” says the cowboy.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the young man, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know anything about my business.”
“Now, give me back my dog!”
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A professor wrote on the black board, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were instructed to insert the proper punctuation.
The men wrote, “Women, without her man, is nothing.”
The Women wrote, “Women! Without her, man is nothing.”
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A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand-new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, gunning it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.
Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!
Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.
The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago a girlfriend ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”
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POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, whatever my plans are for this day, I place my trust in You and Your love and protection.
I know and affirm with faith-filled conviction that Divine protection is a constant, unfailing blessing of harmony and order in my life.
Thank You God.
In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen
POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
Divine love prevails in all conditions in my life. My life is blessed, and harmony, order, and protection are assured.
POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means and the exercise of ordinary qualities. These may for the most part be summed in these two: common-sense and perseverance.”
Owen Feltham
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