Tag : Sunday Funnies

28Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 28, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 28, 2024

Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“It is the Spirit itself bearing witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ.”
Romans 8:16-17

One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so. The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.

Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.”

Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.

The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools … and the intelligence … to cross this river.”

And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.

___________

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily News Newspaper in Starkville, MS. and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day …

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, “Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night.”

Curtis & Leroy replied, “Well, then just give us our money back.”

The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.”

They said, “OK then, just bring us the dead mule.”

The farmer asked, “What in the world ya’ll gonna do with a dead mule?”

Curtis said, “We gonna raffle him off.”

The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead mule!”

Leroy said, “We shore can! Heck, we don’t hafta tell nobody he’s dead!”

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

“What’d you fellers ever do with that dead mule?”

They said, “We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do.”

Leroy said, “Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998.”

The farmer said, “My Lord, didn’t anyone complain?”

Curtis said, “Well, the feller who won got upset. So, we gave him his two dollars back.”

_____________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Today, dear God, I claim my spiritual gifts of love, life, wisdom, and joy.

I walk a godly path. I dare to believe that I am a child of God.

I dare to feel and act like the child of God that I am.

I meet each day free from believe in limitations of the past, free from a belief in negative influences of any kind.

I am filled with a feeling of oneness with God.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The truth has set me free, I am an heir to Divine inheritance of God’s good

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Only the shallow know themselves.”
Oscar Wilde

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:

Positive Christianity Main Secure Donation Portal

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
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Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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21Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 21, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 21, 2024
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Examine yourselves, to see whether you are holding to your faith.”
2 Corinthians 13:5

Observations On Growing Older

Going Out is good.. Coming Home is better!

When People say “You Look Great” … They Add “For Your Age!”

You Forget names … But it’s OK because other people forgot they Even knew you!!!

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15 and you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

Your husband sleeps better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than he does in bed. It’s called his “pre-sleep”.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” Switch …

When GOOGLE, ipad, email, modem … Were unheard of, and a mouse was something that made you climb on a table.

You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?” … “when?” … ???

Your husband has a night out with the guys, but he’s home by 9:00 P.M. Next week it will be 8:30 P.M.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realize you’ve already read it.

Now that your husband has retired … You’d give anything if he’d find a job!

You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet … 2 of which you will never wear.

***********************

To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, or students … here is something to make you chuckle.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was, “Don’t”.
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit.” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey, Eve … we have forbidden fruit!”
“No way!” says Eve
“Yes way!” says Adam
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Why?” Adam and Eve both ask.
“Because I am your father and I said so!” God replied, (wondering why he hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants).
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it!” Adam said.
“Did not!” said Eve.
“Did too!”
“DID NOT!”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed!

But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have, persistently and lovingly, tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.

Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your children.

Mothers of teens know why some animals eat their young.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat, word for word, what you shouldn’t have said.

The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

We child-proofed our home 3 years ago and they’re still getting in!

Anyway, be nice to your children, they might choose your nursing home, someday.

_____________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, let me begin right now to know and live Your truth.
Let me acknowledge Your presence with me.
Let me give my mind over to positive and constructive thoughts.
Let me fill my heart with love and peace.
Let me feel the harmonizing power of You flowing through my body.
Let my words and deeds be conscious expressions of my oneness with Your wisdom and power.
As I dedicate this day to the application of the God truth I know,
as I open my heart and my mind to God, I will demonstrate God’s wisdom and power in my life.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I dedicate this day to the demonstration of God’s wisdom and power.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Today is the oldest you’ve ever been, and the youngest you’ll ever be again.”
Eleanor Roosevelt

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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14Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 14, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 14, 2024
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Whosoever trusts in God, is happy.”
Proverbs 16:20

There once was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all his money and was a real miser. He loved money more than just about anything. One day, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me, because I want to take my money into the afterlife.”

He forced her to promise with all her heart that she’d obey his wish and put all their money in the casket with him.

Well, soon after he died.

His wife sat in the church during the funeral next to her best friend. When the ceremony was finished, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the widow said, “Wait just a minute!” and she placed a small box she had with her in her husband’s lifeless hands.

The undertakers then locked the casket and rolled it away.

The woman’s friend said, “I know you weren’t fool enough to put all your money in there with your husband!”

The widow replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian. I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put our money in that casket with him and that’s what I did.”

“You mean to tell me you put all of your money in that casket?!!”

“I sure did,” said the widow.

“How’d you fit it all in that little box?” asked her friend.

“I wrote him a check.”

************************

For those of us getting along in years, here is a little secret for building our arm and shoulder muscles. You might want to adopt this regimen! Three days a week works well.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

After a few weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks and then 50-lb. potato sacks, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

After you feel confident at that level, start putting a couple of potatoes in each of the sacks but be careful not to overdo it.

************************

Two men crashed in their private plane on a South Pacific Island. Both survived.

One of the men brushed himself off and then proceeded to run all over the island to see if they had any chance of survival. When he returned, he rushed up to the other man and screamed, “This island is uninhabited, there is no food, there is no water. We are going to die!”

The other man leaned back against the fuselage of the wrecked plane, folded his arms and responded, “No we’re not. I make over $100,000 a week.”

The first man grabbed his friend and shook him. “Listen, we are on an uninhabited island. There is no food, no water.

We are going to die!” The other man, unruffled, again responded.

“No, I make over $100,000 a week.”

Mystified, the first man, taken aback with such an answer again repeated, “For the last time, I’m telling you we are doomed. There is no one else on this island. There is no food. There is no water. We are, I repeat, we are going to die.”

Still unfazed, the first man looked the other in the eyes and said, “Don’t make me say this again. I make over $100,000 per week. I tithe 10%. Believe me, my pastor will find us.

_____________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Prayer is the soul’s sincere desire,
Uttered or unexpressed;
The motion of a hidden fire
That trembles in the breast.

Prayer is the burden of a sigh,
The falling of a tear,
The upward glance of an eye
When none but God is near.

Prayer is the simplest form of speech
That infant lips can try;
Prayer the sublimest strains that reach
The Majesty on High.

(John Montgomery)

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am thankful that the vibration of pure joy is activated within me, right now. I choose not to dwell on my problems, but instead on the gifts of God all around me.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Without leaps of imagination, or dreaming, we lose the excitement of possibilities. Dreaming, after all, is a form of planning.”
Gloria Steinem

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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07Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 7, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 7, 2024
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“What deeds of power are being done by His hands!”
Mark 6:2

A preacher is winding up his temperance sermon with great fervor. “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river!” he shouts.

The congregation cries out, “Amen!”

“And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it in the river!”

The congregation cries, “Amen!”

By now, worked into frenzy, the preacher yells, “And if I had all the whiskey and demon rum in the world, I’d take it all and throw it in the river!”

And the congregation again cries, “Amen!”

The preacher sits down, exhausted. Then the deacon stands up and calmly announces, “And now, for our closing hymn, let us turn to page 126 and sing, ‘We shall gather at the river.'”

_________

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because, attached to the back of the carriage was a hand-printed sign … “Energy efficient vehicle. Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step on exhaust.”

_________

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him at the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. “Reverend,” said the young man, “sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip.” The minister chuckled, “I know what you mean. It’s the same in my business.”

_________

Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it’s morning.”

_________

One Sunday, after church, Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. Her daughter answered “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilts.” Needless to say, Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the Pastor stopped by for tea. Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid, the comforter is coming.”

_____________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

From the cowardice that dare not face new truth,
from the laziness that is contended with half-truth,
from the arrogance that thinks it knows all truth,
Good Lord, deliver me. Amen.

(Kenyan prayer)

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am a winner because I am spiritually alive.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“There is only one person who could ever make you happy, and that person is you.”
David Burns

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
10Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 10, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - March 10, 2024
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“My Father is working still.”
John 5:17

Excerpts from a Dog & Cat’s Diary

EXCERPTS FROM A DOG’S DIARY

Day number 180

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 181

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

Day number 182

8:00 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am – OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am – OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm – OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm – boohoo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm – OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM – OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM – OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!

EXCERPTS FROM A CAT’S DIARY

DAY 752 – My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 761 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their FAVORITE chair … must try this on their bed.

DAY 765 – Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was … Hmmm. Not working according to plan.

DAY 768 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called “shampoo.” What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

DAY 771 – There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies.” Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

DAY 774 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time …

______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I dedicate my heart, my time, and my attention to Your presence; and I am changed into a healthier, stronger, wiser, and more loving person.

Thank You God.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

“I am guided to my God-given good by the power of God’s love.”

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“You see, it’s never the environment; it’s never the events of our lives, but the meaning we attach to the events – how we interpret them – that shapes who we are today and who we’ll become tomorrow.”
Tony Robbins

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
03Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 3, 2024 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - March 3, 2024
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“By the tender mercy of our God, the dawn from on high will break upon us, to give light to those who sit in darkness … to guide our feet into the way of peace.”
Luke 1:78-79

A frail elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of “moving” Church services. She truly felt the presence of the Holy Spirit around her as she entered the front door of her home. Upon entering the house, she was immediately startled by an intruder. As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, “Stop mister! Acts 2:38!” (Freeze, repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) The burglar stopped in his tracks and stood motionless with his back to her as she calmly called the police and told them she had a burglar willing to “turn himself in” in her house.

As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, “Why did you just stand there?

“All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you.”

“Scripture!” replied the burglar.

“I swear I heard her say she had an Ax and Two 38’s!”

Remember knowing scripture can save your life in more ways than one.

___________

A recently discovered ‘new chapter’ from the Book of Genesis:

Adam and Eve said: ” Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult to remember how much you love us.”

And God said: “No problem. I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and will be a reflection of my love for you. This way you will love me, even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are, and will love you as I do, despite yourselves.”

And God named the new animal Dog.

___________

Humor on Gravestones

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies
Ezekial Aikle
Age 102
The Good
Die Young.

—————————————————–

In a London, England cemetery:
Ann Mann
Here lies Ann Mann,
Who lived an old maid
But died an old Mann.
Dec. 8, 1767.

—————————————————–

In a Ribbesford, England, cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread
And the Lord sent them manna,
Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil sent him Anna.

————————————————

Playing with names in a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies
Johnny Yeast
Pardon me
For not rising.

————————————————–

Memory of an accident in a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body
of Jonathan Blake
Stepped on the gas
Instead of the brake.

————————————————–

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays Butch,
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger,
But slow on the draw.

————————————————–

A widow wrote this epitaph in a Vermont cemetery:
Sacred to the memory of
my husband John Barnes
who died January 3, 1803
His comely young widow, aged 23, has
many qualifications of a good wife, and
yearns to be comforted.

————————————————-

A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

————————————————-

Someone determined to be anonymous in Stowe, Vermont:
I was somebody.
Who, is no business
Of yours.

————————————————-

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, Arizona in the cowboy days of the 1880’s. He’s buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, Arizona:
Here lies Lester Moore
Four slugs from a .44
No Les No More.

————————————————–

In a Georgia cemetery:
“I told you I was sick!”

————————————————-

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England cemetery:
Reader if cash thou art
In want of any
Dig 4 feet deep
And thou wilt find a Penny.

————————————————-

On Margaret Daniels grave at Hollywood Cemetery Richmond, Virginia:
She always said her feet were killing her
but nobody believed her.

————————————————-

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June
– Jonathan Fiddle –
Went out of tune.

————————————————-

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna
Done to death by a banana
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

————————————————-

More fun with names with Owen Moore in Battersea, London, England:
Gone away
Owin’ more
Than he could pay.

————————————————-

Someone in Winslow, Maine didn’t like Mr. Wood:
In Memory of Beza Wood
Departed this life
Nov. 2, 1837
Aged 45 yrs.
Here lies one Wood
Enclosed in wood
One Wood
Within another.
The outer wood
Is very good:
We cannot praise
The other.

————————————————-

On a grave from the 1880’s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod:
Pease shelled out and went to God.

————————————————-

The grave of Ellen Shannon in Girard, Pennsylvania is almost a consumer tip:
Who was fatally burned
March 21, 1870
by the explosion of a lamp
filled with “R.E. Danforth’s
Non-Explosive Burning Fluid”.

————————————————–

Oops! Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if
the car was on the way down. It was.

————————————————–

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

The good of God is by my side as a constant companion. I know no fear. I thank You dear God for Your ever-fast support and love.

Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God’s radiant light bathes me in a warm glow of confidence and serenity.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them Benjamin Franklin said it first.”
David H. Comins

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
25Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 25, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 25, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“I am sure that God who began a good work in you will bring it to completion.”
Philippians 1:6

In ancient Egyptian time the head of the rowboats was talking to the slaves.

The good news is the Pharaoh is coming.

The bad news is he wants to water ski.

_______

People were asked to submit actual quotes from real-life managers. Here are the winners:

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp,)

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’

(Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’

(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’

(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’

(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’

(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’

(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ‘That would be better for me.’

(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’

(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

________

An elderly man in Tennessee had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, since he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women in bikinis in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond in your small bikinis.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

(Some old men can still think fast.)

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

As we unite in prayer, we pray that you will be inspired and blessed, and will be helping to bless and inspire others.
Our prayers do not stop with us.
May you, and those you pray for, receive very special blessing from God.
May your life be enriched and made new by the power of God.
As our lives touch others today visiting church, or praying where we are, let us know that with God there is always new opportunity.
Every positive prayer, every constructive word, every movement in the direction of faith, makes it possible for God to do great things through us.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

Wherever I am, God is, and therefore I can begin again on the road to success.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“I found the secret to eternal youth. I lie about my age.”
Bob Hope

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
18Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 18, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 18, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“It is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.”
Luke 12:32

Church signs:
Adam and Eve: the first people to not read the Apple terms and conditions
If you are praying for snow – PLEASE STOP
Be the kind of person your pet thinks you are.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you want to meet him.
Just love everyone. I will sort-em out later. -God
Tweet others as you would like to be tweeted.
Jesus is watching but the police have radar.

_____

A funeral service is held for a woman who just passed away. As the pallbearers carry the casket out, they accidentally bump into a wall.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive.

She lives for 10 more years and then dies. They have another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the wall!”

_____

Funny observations:

♦ I read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn’t that be an even number?

♦ I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

♦ America is a country which produces citizens who will cross the ocean to fight for democracy but won’t cross the street to vote.

♦ You know that tingly little feeling you get when you love someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.

♦ Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

♦ Money talks … all mine ever says is good-bye.

♦ I’m not fat, I’m just … easier to see.

♦ If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.

♦ If you think you might be crazy, you’re not; because crazy people don’t think they are crazy.

♦ My 65 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I’m worried about the 175 pounds I’ve gained since then.

♦ The pharmacist asked me my birth date again today. I’m pretty sure she’s going to get me something.

♦ The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.

♦ Money can’t buy happiness, but it keeps the kids in touch!

♦ Mayberry was a family values show but almost nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Earnest T. Bass, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara and, of course, Opie were all single. Sadly, the only married person was Otis, and he stayed drunk ALL the time.

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I harmonize my mind and heart with Your Spirit.
I am in tune with Your harmony and goodness.
I am aware that You are the source of all good.
My mind is open and receptive so that Your wisdom, Your compassion, and Your love connect me with the great harmony of the universe.
I keep my mind free from doubt or fear by allowing only positive, uplifting thoughts to remain there.
I speak and act in harmony with You, dear God.
I do only what is right and good.
I turn to You God for guidance.
I ask You to reveal the way of love and peace.
God, You make all things possible to me.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God blesses me throughout every new beginning.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“It’s good to have money and the things that money can buy, but it’s good, too, to check up once in a while and make sure that you haven’t lost the things that money can’t buy.”
George H. Lorimer

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
11Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 11, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 11, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

God’s divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness.”
2 Peter 1:3

On Super Bowl Sunday it is important to note that football also takes place in church.

CHURCH FOOTBALL MOVES

Quarterback Sneak
Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play
What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime
The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer
Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion
Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket
What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

Two-minute Warning
The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay
The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

Sudden Death
What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime”.

Trap
You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run
Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense
The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option
The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz
The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

(humorous)

O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I abide in the presence of God. I am peaceful, assured, and blessed.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“I am tomorrow, or some future day, what I establish today. I am today what I established yesterday or some previous day.”
Harvey Spencer Lewis

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
04Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 4, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 4, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“A merry heart does good like a medicine.”
Proverbs 17:22

After the birth of their child, an Episcopal priest, wearing his clerical collar, visited his wife in the hospital. He greeted her with a hug and a kiss, and gave her another hug and a kiss when he left.

Later, the wife’s roommate commented: “Gee, your pastor is sure friendlier than mine.”

______

Minnie Pearl, “The first lady of comedy” in country circles, passed March 4, 1996 at the age of 83. Although she aspired to be a Shakespearean actress as a young woman, she said she soon found out that God wanted her to be a comedian.

One of her standard lines: “Laughter is God’s hand on the shoulders of a troubled world.” Another favorite: “There will be no male pallbearers at my funeral. If they won’t take me out when I’m alive, I won’t let them take me out when I’m dead.”

_____

A florist new assistant took a telephone order from a customer. “The ribbon must be white,” said the woman on the phone, “with gold letters reading Rest in Peace on both sides. And, if you can squeeze it in, We Shall Meet in Heaven.”

When the floral tribute reached the home of the deceased, the inspiration read: Rest in Peace on Both Sides!

If You Can Squeeze in, We Shall Meet in Heaven.

_____

A zealous man once telephoned Woodrow Wilson in the wee hours of the morning when Wilson was governor of New Jersey, rousing him from sleep. “Gov. Wilson,” the man announced, “Your commissioner of highways just died, and I would like to take his place.” “If it’s all right with the undertaker, it’s all right with me,” Wilson replied.

_____

On the gravestone of the Walmart shopper:

Gone to Walmart.

_____

You can always identify the pastor of any parish. He’s the one who goes around turning out the lights. Two young priests were discussing how frugal their senior pastor was.

Said one: “When he dies, if he sees light at the end of the tunnel, he’ll put it out.”

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, help me to laugh more in 2024.
I pray for belly laughs.
Increase my good humor.
Help me to see the funny side of life.
Remove from me old angers, cynicism and critical thinking.
Help me to become like a child again.
Help me to experience true joy that is found in friends that laugh together.
Help me to enjoy more of life in 2024.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

Others will always find a welcoming smile on my face.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“If we expire when we die, shouldn’t we inspire while we live?”
George Goldtrap

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
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