Tag : Sunday Funnies

14Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 14, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 14, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our thanks!)

“God’s Divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness.”
2 Peter 1:3

The Hymns

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to, alter the worship service, ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.” During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected, and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.” At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

HYMNS FOR ALL THINGS

The Dentist’s Hymn … … … … … … Crown Him with many Crowns
The Weatherman’s Hymn … … … … There Shall Be Showers of Blessings
The Contractor’s Hymn: … … … … … The Church’s One Foundation
The Tailor’s Hymn: … … … … … … … Holy, Holy, Holy
The Golfer’s Hymn: … … … … … … … There’s a Green Hill Far Away
The Politician’s Hymn: … … … … … … Standing on the Promises
The Optometrist’s Hymn: … … … … Open My Eyes That I Might See
The IRS Agent’s Hymn: … … … … … I Surrender All
The Gossip’s Hymn: … … … … … … … Pass It On
The Electrician’s Hymn: … … … … … … Send The Light
The Shopper’s Hymn: … … … … … … Sweet By and By
The Realtor’s Hymn: … … … … … … … I’ve Got a Mansion, Just Over the Hilltop
The Massage Therapists Hymn … He Touched Me
The Doctor’s Hymn: … … … … … … … The Great Physician

AND for those who speed on the highway – a few hymns:

—–45mph … … … … … … God Will Take Care of You
—–55mph … … … … … … Guide Me, O Thou Great Jehovah
—–65mph … … … … … … Nearer My God To Thee
—–75mph … … … … … … Nearer Still Nearer
—–85mph … … … … … … This World Is Not My Home
—–95mph … … … … … … Lord, I’m Coming Home
—–Over 100mph … … … Precious Memories

Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, thank You for the gift of TODAY.
Thank You for my unlimited possibilities.
With Your help, my future is like none that has gone before!

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: With God, I live in the realm of unlimited possibilities!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “The quality of a person’s life is in direct proportion to their commitment to excellence.”
Vincent Lombardi

_____

Make a difference, partner with God and God WILL partner with you!
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Thank you!

___

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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07Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 7, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 7, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our thanks)

“I will always have hope; I will praise You more and more.”
Psalm 71:14

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.

But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

____

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

________

Stockbroker or Frog

Two women were walking through the woods when a frog called out to them and said: “Help me, ladies! I am a stockbroker who, through an evil witch’s curse, has been transformed into a frog. If one of you will kiss me, I’ll be returned to my former state!”

One woman took out her purse, grabbed the frog, and stuffed it inside her handbag.

The other woman, aghast, screamed, “Didn’t you hear him? If you kiss him, he’ll turn into a stockbroker!”

The second woman replied, “Sure, but these days a talking frog is worth more than a stockbroker!”

_____

Football Wedding

Two guys are talking about their boss’s upcoming wedding.

One says, “It’s ridiculous. He’s rich, but he’s 93 years old, and she’s just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?”

The other says, “Well, we have a name for it in my family.”

“What do you call it?”

“We call it a football wedding.”

The first asks, “What’s a football wedding?”

The other says, “She’s waiting for him to kick off!”

_____

An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved “I love you, Sally.” On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty-thousand dollars.

Andy said, “We’ve got to give it back.”

Sally said, “Finders keepers.” She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door. “Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

Sally said, “No.”

Andy said, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.”

Sally said, “Don’t believe him; he’s getting senile.”

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him. One says: “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

Andy said, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, “We’re outta here.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, prepare me on this Sabbath to be a better person so that I can live all the days of my life following in Your example.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: My inner joy comes forth to be united with my thoughts and lived in my life.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “TV is chewing gum for the eyes.” Frank Lloyd Wright

_____

Sunday offering:
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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31Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 31, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 31, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”
Matthew 11:28

ORDER THE POSITIVE CHRISTIANITY BEST SELLING BOOK –
“Day by Day” – Final chance very limited edition – each personally autographed
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It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news. Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71. Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, Snap-Crackle and Pop along with Captain Crunch.

The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times he was still a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough and Jane Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly dad, Pop Tart. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

If this made you smile, pass it on to someone who kneads

_______

The very best car safety device is a rearview mirror with a cop in it.

_______

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked, ‘Are you a cop? Yes,’ I answered and continued writing the report. ‘My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?’ ‘Yes, that’s right,’ I told her. ‘Well, then,’ she said as she extended her foot toward me, ‘would you please tie my shoe?’

_______

While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, ‘The tooth fairy will never believe this!’

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, help me to realize that worship means worth-ship.
Help me to see what it fully means to be Your child.
Help me to sense what it means to be heir to Your kingdom.
Help me to possess a spiritual awareness giving value to self.
Come through me, so I may make a difference with the life you have given me.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Today, I worship, relax and trust in God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “The Bible is one of the greatest blessings bestowed by God on the children of men. It has God for its Author, salvation for its end, and truth without any mixture for its matter. It is all pure, all sincere; nothing too much; nothing wanting!”
John Locke

_____

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Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Click Here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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24Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 24, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 24, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our thanks!)

“You will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move.”
Matthew 17:20

A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.

Through the eyes of a child:

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, “The Lord thy God is one,” but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, “Give me a light!” and someone did. Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden. Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something …

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.

After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff. Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore. There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn … (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, “Close the door! Were you born in a barn?” It would be nice to say, “As a matter of fact, I was.”)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.

The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Democrats and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again …

He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, help me not to take life so deadly seriously – that it kills me; give me a great sense of humor so that I can laugh and giggle more through the moments of the days of my life.

Thank You dear God.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I have the God-given ability to see the humor in my life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult to each other?” George Eliot

_____

Tithing brings miracle prosperity from God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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17Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 17, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 17, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

“The heavens declare the glory of God; and the firmament shows God’s handiwork.”
Psalms 19:1

“I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and you want 2000 of something.”
Mitch Hedberg

“The best way to get your husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they’re too old to do it.”
Shirley MacClaine

_____

A woman goes into a coffee shop and notices there’s a ‘peel and win’ sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free Lunch?”

But the woman keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”

Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have possibly won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize.”

The woman says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!”

And she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads … “W I N A B A G E L”

_____

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.

The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’

_____

A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone. ‘Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.’

_____

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, “Daddy, look at this,” and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy’s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

The 23rd Psalm:

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want

God makes me to lie down in green pastures:

God leadeth me beside the still waters.

God restores my soul: God leadeth me in the paths of righteousness of God’s name sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: Thou anointest my head with oil: My cup runneth over

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

In Jesus Christ’s name. . Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I affirm I will consciously see the humor in life today and laugh more.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “You’re going to go through tough times – that’s life. But I say, ‘Nothing happens to you, it happens for you.’ See the positive in negative events.” Joel Osteen

_____

Your gift to God makes someone’s day somewhere in the world.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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10Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 10, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 10, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Be strong and of good courage; be not frightened, neither be dismayed; for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

Internal Revenue Service Letter

Here is one person’s answer to Tax Frustration. It is supposedly a real letter submitted to the IRS in the midst of a former year’s weird and bizarre denial of dependents, exemptions and credits. The letter speaks for itself.

Dear Sirs:

I am responding to your letter denying the deduction for two of the three dependents I claimed on my Federal Tax return.

Thank you. I have questioned whether or not these are my children for years. They are evil and expensive. It’s only fair that, since they are minors and no longer my responsibility, the government should know something about them and what to expect over the next year.

Please do not try to reassign them back to me next year and reinstate the deductions.

They are yours!

The oldest, Kristen, is now 17. She is brilliant. Ask her!

I suggest you put her to work in your office where she can answer people’s questions about their returns.

While she has no formal training, it has not seemed to hamper her mastery of any subject you can name.

Taxes should be a breeze.

Next year she is going to college. I think it’s wonderful that you will now be responsible for that little expense. While you mull that over, keep in mind that she has a truck. It doesn’t run at the moment, so you have the choice of appropriating some Department of Defense funds to fix the vehicle or getting up early to drive her to school.

Kristen also has a boyfriend. Oh joy! While she possesses all of the wisdom of the universe, her alleged mother and I have felt it best to teach her the virtues of abstinence.

This is always uncomfortable, and I am quite relieved you will be handling this in the future. May I suggest that you reinstate Dr. Jocelyn Elders who had a rather good handle on the problem.

Patrick is 14. I’ve had my suspicions about this one. His eyes are a little closer together than those of normal people. He may be a tax examiner himself one day if he is not incarcerated first.

In February, I was awakened at three in the morning by a police officer who was bringing Pat home.

He and his friends were toilet papering houses. In the future, would you like him delivered to the local IRS office or to Washington DC?

Kids at 14 will do almost anything on a dare. His hair is purple. Permanent dye, temporary dye, what’s the big deal? Learn to deal with it. You’ll have plenty of time, as he is sitting out a few days of school after instigating a food fight in the cafeteria.

I’ll take care of filing your phone number with the vice-principal. Oh yes, he and all of his friends have raging hormones.

This is the house of testosterone, and it will be much more peaceful when he lives in your home.

DO NOT leave him or his friends unsupervised with girls, explosives, inflammables, inflatables, vehicles, or telephones.

(They find telephones a source of unimaginable amusement. Be sure to lock out the 900 and 976 numbers!)

Heather is an alien. She slid through a time warp and appeared as if by magic one year. I’m sure this one is yours.

She is 10 going on 21. She came from a bad trip in the sixties. She wears tie-dyed clothes, beads, sandals, and hair that looks like Tiny Tim’s. Fortunately, you will be raising my taxes to help offset the pinch of her remedial reading courses. “Hooked On Phonics” is expensive, so the school has dropped it.

But here’s the good news! You can buy it yourself for half the amount of the deduction that you are denying me!

It’s quite obvious that we were terrible parents (ask the other two).

She cannot speak English. Most people under twenty understand the curious patois she fashioned out of valley girls/boys in the hood/reggae/yuppie/political double speak.

The school sends her to a speech pathologist who has her roll her r’s. It added a refreshing Mexican/Irish touch to her voice. She wears hats backwards, baggy pants, and wants one of her ears pierced four more times.

There is a fascination with tattoos that worries me, but I am sure that you can handle it.

Bring a truck when you come to get her, she sort of “nests” in her room, and I think that it would be easier to move the entire thing than find out what it is really made of.

You denied two of the three exemptions, so it is only fair that you get to pick which two you will take.

I prefer that you take the youngest two; I will still go bankrupt with Kristen’s college, but then I am free!

If you take the two oldest, then I still have time for counseling before Heather becomes a teenager.

If you take the two girls, then I won’t feel so bad about putting Patrick in a military academy.

Please let me know of your decision as soon as possible, as I have already increased the withholding on my W-4 to cover the $395 in additional tax and made a down payment on an airplane.

Yours truly,

Bob

Note: The IRS allowed the deductions and reinstated his refund. 🙂

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Our Lord’s Prayer

Our Father who art in heaven,

Hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come,

Thy will be done,

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread,

And forgive our debts,

As we have also forgiven our debtors.

And leave us not in temptation,

But deliver us from evil.

For Thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever and ever. Amen

(Personal note from Reverend Chenoweth: The Lord’s Prayer is an “US” prayer, not an “I” prayer. Praying for the good of ALL from God.)

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: God blesses me through every new day.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Did I offer peace today? Did I bring a smile to someone’s face? Did I say words of healing? Did I let go of my anger and resentment? Did I forgive? Did I love? These are the real questions. I must trust that the little bit of love that I sow now will bear many fruits, here in this world and the life to come.”
Henri Nouwen

_____

Consider an easy recurring gift to Positive Christianity.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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03Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 3, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 3, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Then God said, ‘Let there be light.'”
Genesis 1:3

One of the best things people can have up their sleeves is a funny bone.

Have you heard the HYMNS FOR THE OVER-50 CROWD?

1 – Precious Lord, Take My Hand … And Help Me Up

2 – It Is Well with My Soul … But My Knees Hurt

3 – Nobody Knows the Trouble I Have Seeing

4 – Just a Slower Walk with Thee

5 – Count Your Many Birthdays; Name Them One by One

6 – Go Tell It on the Mountain … But Speak Up

7 – Give Me the Old Timers’ Religion

8 – Blessed Insurance

AND MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE

9 – Guide Me O Thou Great Jehovah … I’ve Forgotten Where I Parked

_____

Once upon a time, a woman died and went to heaven. When she reached the Pearly Gates she was met by St. Peter. She said, “Am I in heaven?”

He said, “Yes, you are at the Pearly Gates.”

“Do I get to come in?”

“Yes, if you can spell a word.”

“What word?”

“Any word.”

She said, “Okay, I’ll spell love.” She did and was allowed to enter.

A few minutes later, St. Peter approached her and said, “I have to leave for a minute. Would you watch the gate?”

She was astonished and said, “You want me to watch the gate?”

“Yes.”

“What do I do if someone comes up?”

“Just what I did. Ask them to spell a word.”

As she stood looking around at all the beautiful sights in heaven, she saw a man walking toward the gates. As he drew closer, the woman recognized him. It was her husband. She was shocked!

“What happened?” the wife asked.

“Well,” he replied, “I was drinking, and I had an accident and died. Am I in heaven?”

“You are at the Pearly Gates.”

“Do I get to come in?”

“Yes, but you have to spell a word … “

“What word?”

“Czechoslovakia.”

_____

THE SOLO SOCK

By Garrison Keillor

Of life’s many troubles, I’ve known quite a few:
Bad plumbing and earaches and troubles with you,
But the saddest of all, when it’s all said and done,
Is to look for your socks and find only one.
Here’s a series of single socks stacked in a row.
Where in the world did their fellow socks go?

About missing socks, we have very few facts.
Some say cats steal them to use for backpacks,
Or desperate Norwegians willing to risk
Prison to steal socks to make lutefisk.
But the robbery theories just don’t hold water:
Why would they take one and not take the odder?

Socks are independent, studies have shown,
And most feel a need for some time alone.
Some socks are bitter from contact with feet.
Some, seeking holiness, go on retreat.
Some need adventure and cannot stay put.
Some socks feel useless and just underfoot.
But whatever the reason these socks lose control,
Each sock has feelings down deep in its sole.

If you wake in the night and hear creaking and scraping,
It’s the sound of a sock, bent on escaping.
The socks on the floor that you think the kids dropped.
They’re socks that went halfway, got tired, and stopped.

It might help if, every day,
As you don your socks, you take time to say:
“Thank you, dear socks, for a job that is thankless.
You comfort my feet from tiptoes to ankless.
Working in concert, a cotton duet,
Keeping them snug and absorbing the sweat.
And yet you smell springlike, a regular balm,
As in Stravinsky’s Le Sacre du Printemps.

“And so I bless you with all of my heart
and pray that the two of you never shall part.
I love you, dear socks, you are socko to me,
The most perfect pair that I ever did see.”

This may help, but you must accept
That half of all socks are too proud to be kept.
And, as with children, their leaving is ritual.
Half of all socks need to be individual.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

SHOW ME THE WAY

Dear God, I ask You to be my personal guide.
Inspire me and guide my every thought in my divergent life and future opportunities.
I know that You know the best way, and I ask now that You show me that way clearly.
Lead me through unknown territories.
Help me as I walk through pathways that seem, to my human eyes, to be obscure.
Clarify my thoughts, dear God.
Give me the light of Your understanding so I will know the right path to take.
I pray that I understand Your guidance and that I do not hesitate or waver.
I pray that I will decide upon a matter and know without doubt that it was the right choice for me to make.
I walk in partnership with You daily.

Thank You, God.

In Jesus Christ’s Name, Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am guided by God in every thought I think, every word I speak, and in every action and reaction.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Simplify, slow down, be kind. And don’t forget to have art in your life – music, paintings, theater, dance and sunsets.”
Eric Carle

_____

Tithing brings miracle blessings from God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Happy 4th!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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26Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 26, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 26, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

“This God – God’s way is perfect; the promise of the Lord proves true.”
2 Samuel 22:31

Funny Signs …

Plumber:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”

Pizza shop slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”

At a tire shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blow out.”

Door of a plastic surgeons office:
“Hello, can we pick your nose?”

Sign at the psychic’s hotline:
“Don’t call us, we’ll call you.”

At a laundry shop:
“How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?”

At a towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

Billboard on the side of the road:
“Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.”

On an electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”

In a non-smoking area:
“If we see smoking, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”

On maternity room door:
“Push, Push, Push.”

At an optometrists office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Butcher’s window:
“Let me meat your needs.”

On a fence:
“Salesmen welcome; dog food is expensive.”

At a car dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”

Outside a muffler shop:
“No appointment necessary, we hear you coming.”

Outside a hotel:
“Help! We need inn-experienced people.”

On a desk in a reception room:
“We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.”

In a veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes, Sit! Stay!”

At the electric company:
“We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don’t, you will be.”

On the door of a computer store:
“Out for a quick byte.”

In a restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”

Inside a bowling alley:
“Please be quiet; we need to hear a pin drop.”

In the front yard of a funeral home:
“Drive carefully; we’ll wait.”

In a counselor’s office:
“Growing old is mandatory; growing wise is optional.

At a Santa Fe gas station:
“We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container.”

In a New York restaurant:
“Customers who consider our waitresses uncivil ought to see the manager.”

On the wall of a Baltimore estate:
“Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. –Sisters of Mercy”

On a long-established New Mexico dry cleaner:
“38 years on the same spot.”

In a Los Angeles dance hall:
“Good clean dancing every night but Sunday.”

In a Florida maternity ward:
“No children allowed.”

In a New York drugstore:
“We dispense with accuracy.”

In the offices of a loan company:
“Ask about our plans for owning your home.”

In a New York medical building:
“Mental Health Prevention Center”

On a New York convalescent home:
“For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.”

On a Maine shop:
“Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship.”

At a number of military bases:
“Restricted to unauthorized personnel.”

On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards:
“Now available in multi-packs.”

In the window of a Kentucky appliance store:
“Don’t kill your wife. Let our washing machine do the dirty work.”

In a funeral parlor:
“Ask about our layaway plan.”

In a clothing store:
“Wonderful bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks.”

In a Tacoma, Washington, men’s clothing store:
“15 men’s wool suits, $10. They won’t last an hour!”

On a shopping mall marquee:
“Archery Tournament – Ears pierced”

Outside a country shop:
“We buy junk and sell antiques.”

In the window of an Oregon store:
“Why go elsewhere and be cheated when you can come here?”

In a Maine restaurant:
“Open 7 days a week and weekends.”

On a radiator repair garage:
“Best place to take a leak.”

In the vestry of a New England church:
“Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.”

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:
“Persons are prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.”

On a Tennessee highway:
“When this sign is under water, this road is impassable.”

Similarly, in front of a New Hampshire car wash:
“If you can’t read this, it’s time to wash your car.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, during this weekend lead me to laughter and renewal.

Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Through God’s help I am a shining example of the American dream.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.” Voltaire

_____

Tithing brings miracle blessings from God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,

Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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19Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 19, 2022 – HAPPY FATHER’S DAY – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 19, 2022 - HAPPY FATHER'S DAY - Sunday Funnies

“Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place.”
Deuteronomy 1:29-31

Written by a woman, who admittedly loves her man.

Presented in good fun, on this Father’s Day, in the knowledge that fathers love to laugh.

What is it like to be a man?

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one’s just “too icky.”

Same work, more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

Wedding dress – $5000; tux rental – $100.

The occasional, well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

One mood, ALL the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don’t have to shave below your neck.

Your belly usually hides your big hips.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

We pray that every father reading this today is blessed by God with multiplied love, for all the love given to his children over the years.
May every father receive Divine blessing right now.
May every father have a day that makes his soul smile.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION for fathers: I am guided by infinite wisdom, and the Divine heart, to be the best father I can be.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “We grow too soon old and too late smart.”

_____

Tithing brings miracle blessings from God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months. There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Happy Father’s Day and Juneteenth!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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12Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 12, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 12, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.” Galatians 5:25

A man walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and a cabbie says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

“Who?”

“Dave Bronson. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

“There are always a few clouds over everybody.”

“Not Dave. He is a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star.”

“He was something, huh?”

“He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, I blackout the whole neighborhood.”

“No wonder you remember him.”

“Well, I never actually met Dave.”

“Then how do you know so much about him?”

“I married his widow!”

______

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six-year-olds. After explaining the Commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a Commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of the family) answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

______

A preacher was completing his sermon. With great expression he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” Then he finally said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” Finishing his sermon he then sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing hymn 265, “Shall We Gather at the River.”

_______

An honest seven-year-old admitted calmly to her parents that Billy Brown had kissed her after class. “How did that happened?” gasped her mother.

“It wasn’t easy,” admitted the young lady, “but three girls helped me catch him.”

_______

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was. The little girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”

The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the little girl replied, “They will in a minute.”

_____________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I know miracles happen – because someone prayed!
Jesus said, “Where 2 or 3 are gathered in my name, there am I in the midst of them.”
I know that every person connected to Positive Christianity creates a meeting together in prayer.
In that meeting together in prayer, though we be miles or even oceans apart, we are one – one in the very presence of You, dear God. Time has nothing to do with it, space has nothing to do with it – we are one. And in this oneness of prayer the Christ presence is felt, the power of God is experienced.
“There am I in the midst of them.”
Our prayers become a part of this great central prayer power that has become known around the world.
We turn to You, dear God, the source. We turn to the power of God that is always present with us.
And even to turn in thought to Positive Christianity is to make connection with the prayer power that is continually going forth, reinforcing by the faith of those that are praying, and the faith of the multitude of persons who are praying with us. Through prayer, we know the power of God. We pray that we are a bridge by which you cross over from fear to faith.
We pray that when you pray with us, you link yourself with us; together we stand in faith, together we know the omnipresence of God, together we know the nothingness of negation.
With God all things are possible!

THANK YOU, GOD!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am centered and poised in the Christ mind, and nothing can disturb the calm peace of my soul.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Hard work spotlights the character of people: Some turn up their sleeves, some turn up their noses, and some don’t turn up at all.” Sam Ewing

_____

Tithing brings miracle blessings from God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

NEED PRAYER? Reply – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months. There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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