Tag : Sunday Funnies

28Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 28, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 28, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“But he who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer that forgets, but a doer that acts, he shall be blessed in his doing.”
James 1:25

A father said to his son, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” The son replied, “When Lincoln was your age, he was president.”

_________

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

_________

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with him to let them take him home. He says no – he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house just a block away.

The police tell the party animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him, and she replies that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver’s license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door where they find the police car, lights still flashing.

True story told by the driver at his AA meeting.

______________

My inconclusive travel plans:

I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my kids, and my work.

(Now I think I live there.)

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much into physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the heart!

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, resting in Your presence I feel new strength and peace.

I press through my own worries and anxieties so that I may reach the conscious awareness of You.

I am blessed.

I, too, hear the healing words of God speak to my soul and I feel a deep sense of strength and peace.

I am now in a conscious awareness of You.

I am restored.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I turn to the presence of God, and I am restored as I act on the guidance I am given.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

The man who makes a success of an important venture never waits for the crowd. He strikes out for himself. It takes nerve, it takes a great lot of grit; but the man that succeeds has both. Anyone can fail. The public admires the man who has enough confidence in himself to take a chance. These chances are the main things after all. The man who tries to succeed must expect to be criticized. Nothing important was ever done that the greater number consulted previously doubted the possibility. Success is the accomplishment of that which most people think can’t be done.”
C. V. White

_____________________________________________

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21Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 21, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 21, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“For God alone my soul waits in silence.”
Psalms 62:5

There was once a man and woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoebox in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.

For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it, he found two crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling $25,000. He asked her about the contents. “When we were to be married,” she said, “my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.

“Honey,” he said, “that explains the doilies, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?”

“Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the doilies.”

****

As Mom was preparing pancakes for her sons, Johnny, 5, and Alex, 3, the boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. The Mom saw the opportunity to teach a moral lesson.

She said, “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'”

Johnny quickly turned to his younger brother and said, “Okay, Alex, you be Jesus!”

****

A Sunday School teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

By now the teacher was starting to smile. Hey, this was fun!

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” she asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

She was just bursting with pride for them.

Well, she continued, “Then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out,

“YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

In the silence of prayer, I enter a sacred meeting place where only joy, love, and peace exist.
In the silence, I meet with You, dear God.
You welcome me with open arms.
Lovingly, tenderly, I am surrounded and enfolded in Your healing, radiating light that can never be extinguished.
In the silence, I am one with Your wisdom, Your love, and Your peace.

You, dear God, flow in and through me, in wave after wave, comforting me and renewing me in mind, body, and spirit.
In the silence, I am aware of my oneness with You and all creation.
I understand that no matter where I am, or where I go, You are with me.

Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am one with God and therefore one with my success.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Your future depends on many things, but mostly on you following God’s guidance.”
Unknown

_____________________________________________

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GOD BLESS YOU,

Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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14Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 14, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 14, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear … for it is the Lord your God who goes with you.”
Deuteronomy 31:6

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: “Too many deer were being hit by cars” and he didn’t want them to cross there anymore.

______________________________________________

My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg.

______________________________________________

I was at the airport checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?”

To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?”

He smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”

______________________________________________

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged coworker of mine when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people doing driving?!”

______________________________________________

I work with an individual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her system would not turn on.

______________________________________________

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. “Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!”

To which he replied, “I know – I already got that side.”

_____________________________________________

D. I. E. T. stands for … Did I Eat That?

_____________________________________________

A lawyer and a woman happen to be sitting next to each other on a long cross-country flight. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game. Now this woman happens to be highly intelligent, but she is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains how the game works.

“I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me, and vice-versa.” Again, the woman politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer thinks he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer: “Okay, how about this? If you don’t know the answer, you pay me only $5, but if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.”

This catches the woman’s attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?” The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now it’s the woman’s turn. She asks the lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes back down with four?” The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air-phone with his modem and searches the Internet and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his colleagues and friends, trying to get some help, all to no avail.

After over an hour of searching for the answer, he finally gives up. He wakes the woman and hands her $500.

The woman politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who cannot imagine what the answer is, is going nuts trying to figure it out.

He wakes the woman again and asks, “Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes back down with four?”

The woman reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I know that I never need to feel confused or fearful about anything in life – not when I turn to You in prayer.
You assure me that I am not alone.
You are with me in every condition, situation, or circumstance, filling me with reassurance and peace of mind.
Because I am one with You, I feel Your strength and I have the fearlessness of God.
Through every hour of the day and night, I am strengthened and sustained by Your power.
Courage wells up within me now. I live life fully, knowing that You are with me.
At this very moment You bring a presence of peace and serenity to my heart.

Thank You God.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I give myself permission to become a child again and enjoy this year with wonder and awe.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

George Burns said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”

_____________________________________________

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07Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 7, 2024 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 7, 2024
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

──────────── • ● • ────────────

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“I delight to do Your will, O my God.”
Psalms 40:8

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party.

Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

__________________________

A guy is driving around, and he sees a sign in front of a house: “Rare Talking Dog for Sale.”

He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.

“But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars.”

“This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”

__________________________

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly gates.

Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses the man wearing somewhat sloppy clothes. “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

The guy replies, “I’m Jack Thomas, Jr., taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Then it’s the minister’s turn. He stands up tall and booms out, “I am Joseph Snow, pastor of Saint Mary’s Church for the last forty-three years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, “Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven.”

“Just a minute,” says the minister. “That man before me was a taxi driver, and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. Why, how can this be?

Saint Peter looks to the preacher and says, “Up here, we work by results. While you preached, people slept. While Jack drove, people prayed.”

_______________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I worship You this day. If I haven’t gone to church in awhile, I will find a church near me and go. I realize it is not the name on the sign, but the sign in my heart that it is time to commune with You again in prayer and worship. It is wonderful to be alive, and to fully be conscious of that gift.

I must take time with You.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The keystone of my life is hope in tomorrow because God is already there.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Kindness is the noblest weapon to conquer with.”
Unknown

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
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NEED PRAYER?
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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26Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 26, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 26, 2023
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning.”
Psalms 30:5

When the gambler wakes up from dreaming about a huge glowing number 5 made out of gold and diamonds, he knows it’s an omen. So, he grabs a racing form and looks up that day’s fifth race. Sure enough, the number five horse in the fifth race is Fifth Element. So, for the rest of the day, he does everything in fives:

He eats five bowls of cereal for breakfast,
goes for a five-mile run,
takes a five-minute shower,
and wears the fifth jacket he finds in his closet.
At the racetrack, he buys five programs,
bets $555 on the fifth horse in the fifth race,
and sits in the fifth row of the bleachers.

And then the gun goes off, he settles in and watches his horse come in fifth.

___________________________

Dear Noah,

We could have sworn you said the Ark wasn’t leaving until 5.

Sincerely, Unicorns

___________________________

Bubba applied for an engineering position.

Jim applied for the same job. Both applicants, having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

The manager went to Bubba and said: “Thanks for your interest, but we’ve decided to give Jim the job.”

Bubba asked: “And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct!”

The manager said: “We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but, rather, on the one question that you both missed.

Bubba then asked: “And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?”

The manager said: “Bubba, it’s like this. On question No. 4 Jim put down; ‘I don’t know.’

You put down, ‘Neither do I.'”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I know in Christ I am capable.
Through Christ I am successful.
I have the Mind of Christ in me.
I am always one with Divine intelligence.
Through prayer I make my connection with the Christ Mind by affirming my oneness with it, and I open myself to spiritual light and understanding.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The peace and harmony of God are strong in me, and I am poised and centered in the one infinite Life, Light, and Power.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute – and it will be longer than any hour. That’s relativity.”
Albert Einstein

_____________________________________________

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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19Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 19, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 19, 2023
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“For freedom Christ has set us free … “
Galatians 5:1

A woman calls her husband and sounding really stressed says,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started. I’ve been working on it for hours!!!”

Her husband asks, “What is it supposed to be when it is finished?”

The wife says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her husband decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in the room and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax.

Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then … ” he sighed, ” … Let’s put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

__________

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building.

Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.

“Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”

During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”

At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star-Spangled Banner.”

And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!

___________

A contestant on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire?” had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000-milestone money.

And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, “Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it

A) the condor;

B) the buzzard;

C) the cuckoo; or

D) the vulture?”

The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer.

And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it. Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home she didn’t think she knew anything about birds.

But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. The friend responded unhesitatingly: “That’s easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo.”

The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was not a bird person, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. On the other hand – the friend had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.

“I need an answer,” said the host.

Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, “C: The cuckoo.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked the host.

“Yes, that is my final answer.”

Two minutes later, the host said, “I regret to inform you that that answer is … absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!”

Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends – including the woman who had helped her win the million dollars.

“Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you,” said the contestant. “Because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way … HOW did YOU know the right answer?”

“Oh, come on,” said the friend. “Everybody knows that cuckoos don’t build nests. They live in clocks.”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

A BLESSING FOR YOUR CHURCH

This is God’s house.

May all who come here not only find out about God but find God.

May there be beauty in this place, but especially may it be a place where men and women become aware of the beauty in themselves.

May this be a place of worship. May this be a place of instruction. May this be a place of singing. May this be a place of prayer.

But for us who worship and take instruction and sing and pray, may this always be a place of inner-stillness, where we may listen and hear when God speaks.

May whoever ministers here minister in love. May whoever teaches here teach truth. May whoever serves here serve pleasantly.

May everyone come into this house in expectation and go with thanksgiving, and May anyone who comes needing help go feeling blest.

May this be such a house that Jesus Christ – or any stranger, even one of the least – would feel in it that they were with friends.

– James Dillet Freeman

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God touches my life manifesting prosperity and abundance. My life is enriched.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The real art of conversation is not only knowing the right thing to say at the right place but to leave the unsaid wrong thing at the tempting moment.”
Dorothy Nevill

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
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ON OUR WEBSITE
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
29Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 29, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 29, 2023
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Beloved, we are God’s children now.”
1 John 3:2

A young college co-ed came running in tears to her father. “Dad, you gave me some terrible financial advice!”

“I did? What did I tell you?” said the dad.

“You told me to put my money in that big bank, and now that big bank is in trouble.”

“What are you talking about? That’s one of the largest banks in the state,” he said. “there must be some mistake.”

“I don’t think so,” she sniffed. “They just returned one of my checks with a note saying, ‘Insufficient Funds’.”

_____________________________________

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out of the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give me a calf?”

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, why not?”

The young man parks his car, whips out his iPad computer, connects it to his iPhone, surfs to a Google page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another Google satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives a notice that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his iPad and after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1586 cows and calves.”

“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, “Okay, why not.”

“You’re a consultant,” says the cowboy.

“Wow! That’s correct,” says the young man, “but how did you guess that?”

“No guessing required” answered the cowboy. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don’t know anything about my business.”

“Now, give me back my dog!”

________________________________________

A professor wrote on the black board, “Woman without her man is nothing.” The students were instructed to insert the proper punctuation.

The men wrote, “Women, without her man, is nothing.”

The Women wrote, “Women! Without her, man is nothing.”

________________________________________

A senior citizen in Florida bought a brand-new Mercedes convertible. He took off down the road, gunning it to 80 mph and enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left on his head. “This is great,” he thought as he roared down I-75. He pushed the pedal to the metal even more.

Then he looked in his rear-view mirror and saw a highway patrol trooper behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. “I can get away from him with no problem,” thought the man and he tromped it some more and flew down the road at over 100 mph. Then 110, 120 mph!

Then he thought, “What am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing.” He pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the trooper to catch up with him.

The trooper pulled in behind the Mercedes and walked up to the man. “Sir,” he said, looking at his watch. “My shift ends in 30 minutes and today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”

The man looked at the trooper and said, “Years ago a girlfriend ran off with a Florida state trooper, and I thought you were bringing her back.”

The trooper replied, “Sir, have a nice day.”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, whatever my plans are for this day, I place my trust in You and Your love and protection.

I know and affirm with faith-filled conviction that Divine protection is a constant, unfailing blessing of harmony and order in my life.

Thank You God.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

Divine love prevails in all conditions in my life. My life is blessed, and harmony, order, and protection are assured.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The greatest results in life are usually attained by simple means and the exercise of ordinary qualities. These may for the most part be summed in these two: common-sense and perseverance.”
Owen Feltham

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity, Box 7993, Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
01Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 1, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 1, 2023
Sunday Funnies

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“The kingdom of heaven is like a merchant in search of fine pearls; on finding one pearl of great value, he went and sold all that he had and bought it.”
Matthew 13:45

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So, remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

“Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome.

So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking United,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“United?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.

So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s going to be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump.”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.”

“Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a haircut. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of United’s brand-new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

“Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He asked: “Who messed up your hair?”

___________________

STUDENT WHO OBTAINED 0% ON AN EXAM

Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what will it become?
* It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand.

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
* Very large hands.

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I ask, I seek, I knock.

I am spiritually hungry, and I am ready to listen, follow, and receive my good.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The transforming Spirit of Christ blesses my mind and body with perfection and fills my life with happiness and satisfaction.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Years teach us more than books.”
Berthold Auerbach

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
24Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 24, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 24, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand.”
Isaiah 41:13

Timmy was a little five-year-old boy who his Mom loved very much and, being a worrier, she was concerned about him walking to school when he started Kindergarten. She walked him to school the first couple of days, but then he came home one day, and he told his mother that he did not want her walking him to school everyday. He wanted to be like the “big boys.”

He protested loudly, so she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor, Mrs. Goodnest, if she would secretly follow her son to school, at a distance behind him that he would not likely notice, but close enough to keep a watch on him.

Mrs. Goodnest said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, Mrs. Goodnest and her little girl, Marcy, set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor boy he knew. She did this for the whole week.

As the boys walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, the little friend of Timmy noticed that this same lady was following them, as she seemed to do every day, all week. Finally, he said to Timmy, “Have you noticed that lady following us all week? Do you know her?”

Timmy nonchalantly replied, “Yea, I know who she is.”

The little friend said, “Well who is she?”

“That’s just Shirley Goodnest,” Timmy said.

“Shirley Goodnest? Who the heck is she and why is she following us?”

“Well,” Timmy explained, “every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers cuz she worries about me so much. And in it, the prayer psalm says, “Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it.”

____

Children’s favorite lines from hymns –

“Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.”

And the one about the bear – Gladly the Cross-Eyed Bear

____

Super Granny Defender of Justice (True Story)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!”

The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, where upon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver’s seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why.

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed. Ah, senior moments!

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

God goes before me. And in my mind I set God before me this day, to guide, to govern, to protect, and to prosper me.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am the radiant, all wise, all loving, all conquering child of God. I rule supreme in all the affairs of mind and body. Infinite wisdom guides me, Divine love prospers me, and I am successful in all that I undertake.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“My relationship with death remains the same — I’m strongly against it.”
Woody Allen

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/

By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
17Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 17, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 17, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“The Spirit of God has made me.”
Job 33:4

Old age is coming at a really bad time!

When I was a child I thought Nap Time was a punishment … now, as a grown up, it just feels like a small vacation!

The biggest lie I tell myself is … “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it.”

If God wanted me to touch my toes, God would’ve put them on my knees.

I’m going to retire and live off of my savings. Not sure what I’ll do the second week.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet …

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just gonna transfer me to someone I can’t understand anyway?

______

2023 Advice from an Old Farmer

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered … not yelled.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It doesn’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.

Don’t judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good, honorable life … Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.

Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

In 2023 I manifest my God-given health.
Within me courses the pure, perfect, healing life of God.
I think about the pattern of perfection within me, the image of God in which I am created and the spiritual floodgates open.
Healing flows within me as I center my attention in prayer on the pure life of God.
I am healed through and through, day by day, month by month – this year!
I bless God’s perfect life making me whole and well, and keeping me that way, in this God-given time of 2023.
My mind overflows with praise and thanksgiving to God.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I live a life in God’s perfect life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Being generous of spirit is a wonderful way to live”
Pete Seeger

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
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