Tag : Sunday Funnies

02Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 2, 2023 – ~Sunday Funnies~

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 2, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“My God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:19

_____________________________________________

What you get when you cross a pig with the dinosaur? Jurassic pork!

_____________________________________________

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you:

Better to be safe than … punch a 5th grader
Never underestimate the power of … termites
You can lead a horse to water but … how?
Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
No news is … impossible
A miss is as good as a … Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new … math
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning
Love all, trust … me
The pen is mightier than the … pigs
An idle mind is … the best way to relax
Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution
Happy the bride who … gets all the presents
A penny saved is … not much
Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers
Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose
None are so blind as … Stevie Wonder
Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded
If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries
You get out of something what you … see pictured on the box
When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way

______________________________________________

TO GOD FROM KIDS:

Dear GOD: Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don’t You just keep the ones You have? – Amy

Dear GOD: Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. – Larry

Dear GOD: If You watch me in church on Sunday, I’ll show You my new shoes. -Mickey

Dear GOD: I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD: In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? – Jane

Dear GOD: Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? – Lucy

Dear GOD: Is it true my father won’t get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? – Anita

Dear GOD: Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? – Norma

Dear GOD: Who draws the lines around the countries? – Jan

Dear GOD: I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? – Neil

Dear GOD: Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Jesus loves me! This I know,
for the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

Jesus loves me! He who died
Heaven’s Gate to open wide;
He will wash away my errors,
let his little child come in.

Jesus loves me; He will stay
Close beside me all the way.
Thou has taught the way for me,
I will henceforth live for thee.

Yes, Jesus loves me;
The Bible tells me so.

– Traditional Children’s Prayer

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

Today God’s good is magnified and multiplied in my life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“What would life be if we had no courage to attempt anything?”
Vincent van Gogh

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
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Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
25Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 25, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 25, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org
̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“My Father is working still, and I am working.”
John 5:17

The Man Test

Note: Many men answer “C” to all of these questions. Knowing this, as men spiritually mature, they become individuals that tend to give the A or the B answer first.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:

A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

4. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

5. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

6. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

7. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

8. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, today I practice the Sabbath by spending my entire day and night by being loving to all in my life.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God’s strength undergirds me; God’s power renews and heals me.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are “check enclosed.”
Dorothy Parker

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
11Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 11, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 11, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org
̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“He the dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the Lord, God is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in God will I trust.”
Psalms 91:1, 2

Idle thoughts of a wandering mind …

… I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.

… I had amnesia once – or twice.

… Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

… All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.

… What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

… They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.

… Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

… One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

… My weight is perfect for my height – which varies.

… I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

… The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.

… How can there be self-help “groups”?

… Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man who can’t get his pants off.

… Is it my imagination, or do Buffalo wings taste like chicken?

_______

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep doo-doo now!” Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. “Whew!” says the leopard, “That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!”

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?”, but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says, “Where’s that lazy monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray on this Sunday that I am aware of your love and help every moment of the day.
I pray that this is the day that I gain a wider vision of my spirituality and possibilities for the future.
I go with God and I know You go with me.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
God, in God’s love, pours out God’s abundant good upon me, and my life and world show forth God’s perfect order.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“In science the credit goes to the man who convinces the world, not to the man to whom the idea first occurs.”
William Osler

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team

Read More
04Jun

Positive Daily Inspiration – June 4, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - June 4, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶
(Submitted with our great thanks)

“This day shall be a day of remembrance for you. You shall celebrate it as a festival to the Lord.” Exodus 12:14

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES:

If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked the children in my Sunday School class.

“NO!” the children all answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?”

Again, the answer was, “NO!”

“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my wife, would that get me into Heaven?” I asked them again.

Again, they all answered, “NO!”

“Well, I continued, “then how can I get into Heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted out, “YOU GOTTA BE DEAD.”

_________

The following are actual stories told by travel agents:

I had someone who wanted to stay at the Bob Newhart Inn in Connecticut. When I explained that the inn was fictional, the customer became very irate and insisted “I know it is real, I see people check in every week!”

___

I really did have someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.

___

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, “Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?”

___

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with “I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts.”

Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, “Cape Cod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa.”

Her response … click.

___

A secretary called in looking for a hotel in Los Angeles. She gave me various names off a list, none of which I could find. I finally had her fax me the list. To my surprise, it was a list of hotels in New Orleans, Louisiana. She thought the LA stood for Los Angles, and that New Orleans was a suburb of L.A. Worst of all, when I called her back, she was not even embarrassed.

___

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, “Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.”

___

I got a call from a man who asked, “Is it possible to see England from Canada?”

I said, “No.”

He said “But they look so close on the map.”

___

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a one-hour layover in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, “I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time.”

___

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

___

A woman called and asked, “Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?”

I said, “No, why do you ask?”

She replied, “Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?”

After putting her on hold for a minute while I ‘looked into it’ (I was actually laughing), I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

___

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, “How do I know which plane to get on?”

I asked him what, exactly, he meant, to which he replied, “I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.”

___

A woman called and said, “I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes.”

I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane.

She said, “Yeah, whatever.”

___

A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa.

“Oh no I don’t, I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those.”

I double checked, and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, “Look, I’ve been to China 4 times and every time, they have accepted my American Express.”

___

A woman called to make reservations; “I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York. The agent was at a loss for words.

Finally, the agent said “Are you sure that’s the name of the town?”

“Yes, what flights do you have?” replied the customer.

After some searching, the agent came back with, “I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Hippopotamus anywhere.”

The customer retorted, “Oh don’t be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!”

The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, “You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?”

“That’s it! I knew it was a big animal!”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

The light of God surrounds me;
The love of God enfolds me;
The power of God protects me;
The presence of God watches over me.
Wherever I am, God is!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I am calm and poised in God’s joy!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“You can’t have a better tomorrow if you are thinking about yesterday all the time.”
Charles Kettering

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer tea

Read More
28May

Positive Daily Inspiration – May 28, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - May 28, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

“They who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength, they shall mount up with wings like eagles.”
Isaiah 40:31

A priest and pastor from the local parishes are standing by the side of the road holding up a sign that reads, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”

“Leave us alone you religious nuts!” yelled the first driver as he sped by.

From around the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash.

“Do you think,” said one clergyman to the other, “we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

_______

Ponderings:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

WHY do people read the obituaries of people they’ve never met?

Bad decisions make good stories.

I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this – ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voice mail. What did you do after I did not answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.

I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Thank You, God, for this wonderful opportunity, this privilege to see with spiritual vision to look beyond the appearances and limitations that have held me back in the past.
Amen!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
There is no criticism or condemnation in me, for me, or against me. Divine love is the law of my life, and harmony is now established in me and in my affairs.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE:
“My doctor told me the jogging could add years to my life. He was right. I feel 10 years older already.”
Milton Berle

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
21May

Positive Daily Inspiration – May 21, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - May 21, 2023
Sunday Funnies

“These things I remember.”
Psalms 42:4

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED

1) No matter how hard you try, you can’t baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair!
3) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandma’s lap.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge … mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
7) The Five-Word Weight Loss Diet … Eat Less and Exercise More.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
4) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray that I am
one with You in the health,
one with You in the hope,
one with You in expression of love,
one with You in abundance,
one with You in peace.
Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
Jesus Christ is raising me to His consciousness of unfailing faith, and I abide in him.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE FOR TODAY:
“A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.” Bob Hope

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
07May

Positive Daily Inspiration – May 7, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - May 7, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“This is how one should regard us, as servants of Christ and stewards of the mysteries of God.”
1 Corinthians 4:1

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’ He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says “So, what’s your story?”

The Lab looks up and says, “Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

“I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.

“I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.”

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

“Ten dollars,” the guy says.

“Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?”

“Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that stuff.”

____________

Mermaid verses Whale

Recently, in a large French city, a poster featuring a young, thin and tanned woman appeared in the window of a gym.

It said: “THIS SUMMER DO YOU WANT TO BE A MERMAID OR A WHALE?”

A middle aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym.

To Whom It May Concern:

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans). They have a wonderful time with dolphins, stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Barren Sea, and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans. They are loved, protected, and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids do not exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? Not to mention who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me; I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner, and a coffee with my friends. With time we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So, we aren’t heavy; we are enormously cultured, educated, and happy. Beginning today, when I look in the mirror I will think, “Good gosh, look how smart I am!”

_____

“Let’s eat Grandma!” or, “Let’s eat, Grandma!” Punctuation saves lives.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear wonderful God, I surrender to You.
I know You know what is best for me and for my life.
I know Your power is greater than any challenge I could ever face.
Thank You God!

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
All power is given unto me in mind and body: I and my God are one!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” Martin Luther King

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
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_____

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To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

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https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

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30Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 30, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 30, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks.)

Light is sown for the righteous, and gladness for the upright in heart. Rejoice in the LORD, ye righteous; and give thanks at the remembrance of God’s holiness.
Psalm 97:11, 12

A shoe sales person dragged out half his stock to a woman customer: “Mind if I rest a few minutes, lady? Your feet are killing me!”

What did the zero say to the 8? I like your belt.

How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the fire department usually uses water.

We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.

If Bill Gates had a penny for every time people had to reboot their computer … oh wait, he does.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.

____

In New Zealand, two prisoners who were handcuffed together tried to escape as they were escorted from a courthouse. The trouble is that they forgot they were chained together. As they darted away, each prisoner ran to the opposite sides of a light pole. They spun and collided with one another, and then fell into a heap on the ground. When the officers stopped laughing, they picked the prisoners up and hauled them back to jail.

____

While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign … “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.”

____

So, the Zen master steps up to the hot dog stand and says: “Make me one with everything.” The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen master, who pays with a $20 bill. The hot dog vendor puts the bill in the cash drawer and closes the drawer.

“Where’s my change?” asks the Zen master.

And the hot dog vendor responds, “Change must come from within.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray to have the power of laughter fully restored in my life.
I pray for deep laughter daily, a sense of humor, and inner smile.
Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I am God’s beloved child. God’s forgiving, healing love fills my heart, my mind, my body. I am free! I am whole! I am happy!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower.
John Harrigan

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

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To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

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https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
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There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our whole prayer team.

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23Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 23, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 23, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“If two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven.”
Matthew 18:19

This two-letter word in English has more meanings than any other two-letter word, and that word is ‘UP.’ It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n] or [v].

It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but when we awaken in the morning, why do we wake UP?

At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP, and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report? We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.

At other times, this little word has special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses.

To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special.

And this UP is confusing: A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night. We are pretty mixed UP about UP!

To be knowledgeable about the proper uses of UP, look UP the word UP in the dictionary.

In a desk-sized dictionary, it takes UP almost 1/4 of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used.

It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain for a-while, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now … my time is UP!

_______________________

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on.

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

‘If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.’

In response to Bill’s comments, Ford issued a press release stating:

If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash … Twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive – but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single ‘This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation’ warning light.

I love the next one!!!

7. The airbag system would ask ‘Are you sure?’ before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You’d have to press the ‘Start’ button to turn the engine off.

PS – I ‘d like to add that when all else fails, you could call ‘customer service’ in some foreign country and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!!!!

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, during my worship this Sunday, I hold all people who are near and dear to me in my prayers today for light, life, love, and wisdom.

I pray that they are fulfilled in heart and mind.

I pray that they continue to know the peace and love of God in everything they do and in all they aspire to be.

Dear God, bless my loved ones with the energy they need to complete every task, with prosperity enough to meet every bill, with strength enough to face every situation.

I know that You are protecting and guiding them every day of their lives. Thank You God for the blessing of their companionship and friendship in my life.

Today and every day, I send my loved ones prayers of heartfelt faith, love, and assurance.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
My good comes from the Lord, and I trust God to regulate all in my life.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE:
“If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up some place else.”
Yogi Berra

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
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By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

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https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
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There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

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Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

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16Apr

Positive Daily Inspiration – April 16, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - April 16, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Jesus answered them, ‘Have faith in God.'”
Mark 11:22

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along, for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long, the dachshund discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dachshund thinks, “OK, I’m in deep trouble now!” Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, “Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here.”

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. “Whew,” says the leopard.

“That was close. That dachshund nearly had me.”

Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes. But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here monkey, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine.”

Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, “What am I going to do now?” But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet … and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says … “Where’s that monkey? I sent him off, half an hour ago, to bring me another leopard.”

______

You know you’re living in 2023 when …

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You text your coworker who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have a Facebook account.

6. When you go home, after a long day at work, you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial “9” to get an outside line.

8. You’ve sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o’clock news.

11. Your boss doesn’t have the ability to do your job.

12. Contractors outnumber permanent staff

… and the real clinchers are …

13. You got this e-mail from a friend that never talks to you any more, except to send you jokes from the ‘Net.

14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a No.9.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, how could I not have faith in You, the Creator of the glorious universe filled with wonder and delight.

God, I am so thankful for Your love and care.

I am amazed at the extent of Your care when warm rays of sunshine that have traveled through the vastness of space touch my face. When a child reaches out in the joy of loving and touches me, I feel a greater understanding of my faith in You and Your unconditional love for me.

My faith in You increases with my growing awareness of Your presence.
As I discover more and more of the wonder and delight of Your creation,
I understand that You are saying, I am with you and within you always.

God, I am thankful for You and thankful for my ever-growing awareness of Your presence.

Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
My faith increases with a growing awareness of God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“Wisdom is knowing what to do; virtue is doing it.”
David Jordan

Support this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service)
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

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