Tag : Sunday Funnies

26Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 26, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Sunday Funnies - March 26, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

Questions To Ponder:

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money on binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They are both dogs!

______

I’ve decided, I’ll never get down to my original weight. I am okay with that. 6 lbs. 3 oz. is just not realistic.

______

Do you feel like you have lost your control keys?
Do you worry that you’ll never have enough memory?
How is your relationship with your motherboard?
Have you tried turning it off, taking a day off for yourself, and turning it back on?

______

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”

The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St Peter says, ‘For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!'”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I ask You to be my guardian protector.

I pray that you will guard me against harm.

I pray that you will guard me against myself when I choose wrongly.

I pray that you will guard me against others when they choose wrongly.

Protect me by Your ever-abiding guidance.

I pray that You will be my guardian every day of my life, and guardian to those that I hold dear.

Thank You God for making me feel safe and protected.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
Today, I affirm I will smile ten times more.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE:
“A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money.”
Sen. Everett Dirksen

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service): ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
19Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 19, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - March 19, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our thanks)

“My Father is working still, and I am working.”
John 5:17

The Man Test

Note: Many men answer “C” to all of these questions. Knowing this, as men spiritually mature, they become individuals that tend to give the A or the B answer first.

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.

You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?

A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

3. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

A. A cat.
B. A dog.
C. A dog that eats cats.

4. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She’s attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You’re watching a football game; she’s reading the papers when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she’s not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don’t want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you’ll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don’t want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

5. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman, and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?

A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

6. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

A. “Do they need to eat or anything?”
B. “They’re in school already?”
C. “There are three of them?”

7. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

A. He was being tested.
B. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
C. He refused to ask for directions.

8. What is the human race’s single greatest achievement?

A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. Remote control.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, today I practice the Sabbath by spending my entire day and night by being loving to all in my life.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God’s strength undergirds me; God’s power renews and heals me.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE:

“The two most beautiful words in the English language are “check enclosed.”
Dorothy Parker

Support this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service): ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
12Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 12, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - March 12, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“A happy heart is like good medicine.”
Proverbs 17:22

1. One of life’s mysteries is how a 2-pound box of chocolates can make a people gain 5 lbs.

2. My mind not only wanders; it sometimes leaves completely.

3. The best way to forget your troubles is to wear tight shoes.

4. The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does.

5. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

6. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today …

7. Sometimes I think I understand everything, and then I regain consciousness.

8. I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting fire to my underwear …

9. Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks 2 sizes!

10. Skinny people irritate me! Especially when they say things like … ‘You know sometimes I forget to eat!’ … Now I’ve forgotten my address, my mother’s maiden name and my keys, but I have never forgotten to eat!

*********************************************

Do not talk to my parrot!

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repair person. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I will mail you a check. Oh, don’t worry about my dog Spike. He won’t bother you.”

“But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally, the repair person could not contain himself any longer and yelled,

“Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, help me to continuously refocus my attention on things in my life that are positive.

With You God, my glass is never half-empty.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I bathe myself in God’s joy, and I am cleansed with optimism.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt”
Charles Schultz, cartoonist

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service): ON OUR WEBSITE www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
05Mar

Positive Daily Inspiration – March 5, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - March 5, 2023
SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our thanks)

“If you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there, and it will move; and nothing will be impossible to you.”
Matthew 17:20

I asked the Lord to tell me
Why my house is such a mess.
God asked if I’d been ‘computing,’
And I had to answer ‘yes.’

God told me to get off my fanny
and tidy up the house.
And so I started cleaning up …
The smudges off my mouse.

I wiped and shined the topside.
That really did the trick …
I was just admiring my work …
I did not mean to ‘click.’

But click, I did, and oops I found
A real absorbing site.
That I got SO way into it.
I was into it all the night.

Nothing is cleaned except my mouse
It is very, very shiny.
I guess my house will stay a mess …
While I sit here on my hiney.

____

THERE IS A LOT OF HUMOR ON GRAVE STONES.

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 – Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down. It was.

On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only the Good Die Young.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast … Pardon him for not rising.

John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna, Done to death by a banana. It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low, but the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees, Lies the body of Jonathan Pease. He is not here, there’s only the pod. Pease shelled out and went to God.

In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Remember this and follow me.
To which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:
To follow you I’ll not consent. Until I know which way you went.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Dear God, help me become a better person by infilling my mind, my body, and my soul.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
I have the faith to move mountains. God and I can do anything.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:
“There can’t be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.”
Henry Kissinger

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service): ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
26Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 26, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 26, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“May God be gracious to us and bless us and make his face shine upon us, that your ways may be known on earth, your salvation among all nations.”
Psalm 67:1-2

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words ‘The’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘Theirs!’

Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.

Lord, Keep Your arm around my shoulder and Your hand over my mouth … AMEN!

“Speak when you are angry – and you will make the best speech you’ll ever regret.” Laurence J. Peter

___________

How to fail a test. Actual answers to real questions:

What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common? Answer: unusual names

Name one of the early Romans greatest achievements? Answer: Learning to speak Latin

Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic? Answer: Two polar bears, four seals

Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld? Answer: Mrs. Orpheus

Where was the American Declaration of Independence signed? Answer: At the bottom

What is the meaning of the word varicose? Answer: Close by

What is the highest frequency noise that human can register? Answer: Mariah Carey

What is a fibula? Answer: A little lie

Explain the phrase “free press”? Answer: When your mom irons your trousers for you

Why would living close to a mobile phone antenna cause ill health? Answer: You might walk into it

Johanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand alone system. One is a stand alone computer system? Answer: It does not come with the chair

Steve is driving his car. He is traveling at 60 feet a second and the speed limit is forty mph. Is Steve speeding? Answer: He could find out by checking his speedometer

What is a vibration? Answer: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960s

Where was Hadrian’s Wall built? Answer: around Hadrian’s garden

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

O Thou, from whom all blessings flow,
I lift my heart to Thee;
In all my sorrows, conflicts, woes,
Dear Lord, remember me.
Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am at the center of the spiritual vortex of God’s blessing.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“What if you have failed in the past? So, at one time did every man we recognize as a towering success. They called it ‘temporary defeat.'”
Napoleon Hill

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
19Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 18, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 19, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

INVESTMENT ADVICE:

I thought that you might like to be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor. Watch for these consolidations in the fourth quarter of 2023.

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Co. will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as: MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudi DoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its major competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become: Poupon Pants.

___________

A church sign in Springfield, MO said: “America, bless God!”

A church sign I saw in Dripping Springs, Texas: “If you are looking for a sign from God, this is it”

Sign seen in deli in Washington State: “What a friend we have in cheeses!”

Up at the head table in the cafeteria, one of the nuns had placed a big bowl of bright red, fresh, juicy apples. Beside the bowl, she placed a note which read, “Take only one. Remember, God is watching.” At the other end of the table was a bowl full of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, still warm from the oven. Beside the bowl, a little note scrawled in a child’s handwriting which read, “Take all you want – God’s watching the apples.”

The famous Olympic skier Picabo (pronounced Peek-A-Boo) Street is not just an athlete, she is a nurse. She currently works at the Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the telephone as it caused simply too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say –Picabo, ICU.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it’s a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Observation at a daycare: An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win and winners never quit, then who is the person who said, “Quit while you’re ahead?”

Get the last word in: Apologize.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; Teach that person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars & a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire but it takes a whole box to start a barbecue?

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Grant me, O God, thy merciful protection;
and in protection give me strength,
I pray; and in my strength, O grant
me wise discretion; and in discretion,
make me ever just; and with my justice,
may I mingle love; and with my love,
O God, the love of thee; and with the
love of thee, the love of all.
(Welsh prayer)

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:
God is the instant provider of all good things.
God knows my need and guides me to all that perfectly meet my daily requirements.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE:
“By the time you’re 80 years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.”
George Burns

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth, and our prayer team.

Read More
12Feb

Positive Daily Inspiration – February 12, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - February 12, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“According to the riches of God’s glory may God grant you to be strengthened with might through God’s Spirit and the inner human.”
Ephesians 3:16

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

John was a Christian and was not used to hearing such vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked, kicked, and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions.

I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

________

This is the story of the poor young woman flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.

He has a heart attack and dies. She frantically calls a May Day:

“May Day!! May Day!! Help me!! Help me!! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don’t know how to fly.

Help me!! Please help me!!”

All of a sudden, she hears a voice over the radio saying:

“This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!!

Now give me your height and position.”

She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”

“O.K.” says the voice from the tower. “Repeat after me: Our Father … Who art in Heaven … “

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

In willingness, I give myself in entirety to expressing and experiencing the full spirit of God.

This week I live in hope and express that to everyone that crosses my path.

I let my light shine, and my life this week is in total faith in God.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The fearless courageous power of the Holy Spirit is my deliverance and my body is blessed with peace, strength, and perfect harmony.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company, a church, a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past, we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you – we are in charge of our attitudes.”
Charles Swindoll

Support this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Positive Christianity Ministries

Read More
05Feb

POSITIVE DAILY INSPIRATION – February 5, 2023 – The Sunday Funnies

POSITIVE DAILY INSPIRATION - February 5, 2023
The Sunday Funnies

“For you shall go out and joy and be led back in peace.”
Isaiah 55:12

BOB HOPE America’s funny man lived to age 100

CLASSIC HOPE:

ON TURNING 70: “You still chase women, but only downhill.”

ON TURNING 80: “That’s the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing.”

ON TURNING 90: “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.”

ON TURNING 100: “I don’t feel old. In fact, I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.”

ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER IN BOXING: “I ruined my hands in the ring … the referee kept stepping on them.”

ON SAILORS: “They spend the first six days of each week sowing their wild oats, then they go to church on Sunday and pray for crop failure.”

ON NEVER WINNING AN OSCAR: “Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it’s called at my home, ‘Passover’.”

ON GOLF: “Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees.”

ON PRESIDENTS: “I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.”

ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER: “When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, ‘Congratulations. You have an eight-pound ham’.”

ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL: “I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it.”

ON HIS FAMILY’S EARLY POVERTY: “Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.”

ON HIS SIX BROTHERS: “That’s how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom.”

ON HIS EARLY FAILURES: “I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn’t for the stuff the audience threw at me.”

ON GOING TO HEAVEN: “I’ve done benefits for ALL religions. I’d hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality.”

_____

CAN COLD WATER CLEAN DISHES?

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon.

He noticed a film like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather … “are these plates clean?”

His grandfather replied, “Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal”.

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks … so, he ask again,

“Are you sure these plates are clean”?

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather said,

“I told you before; those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t ask me about it anymore!”

As he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl and wouldn’t let him pass so he said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me out”.

Without diverting his attention from the football game, he was watching on TV his grandfather shouted,

“COLDWATER, Go lay down~!”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Children’s Bedtime Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep:
May God guard me through the night
And wake me with the morning light.
Amen. (Traditional)

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

With God’s ever-present help, I am filled with new courage. I am poised and serene.

POSITIVE (Funny) DAILY QUOTE:

“Solutions are not the answer.”
Richard Nixon

Support this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.org/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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29Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 29, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 29, 2023
Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“And He awoke and rebuked the wind, and said to the sea, ‘Peace! Be still!'”
Mark 4:39

One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, the zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly. The keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he gets bored just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming, yelling, “Help, Help me” but the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”

_______

$5.37! That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher.

Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the hardest thing anyone has ever said to me.

He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. “Only $4.68” he said cheerfully.

I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet? A mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind?

As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me?

I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?

“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?” I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind.

“Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn.

What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.

Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard.

Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time.

There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”

All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here”? At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.

Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”

I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

She offered these kind words: “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time.”

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some kid in a Toyota Prius. And no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to be driving this fast.

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:
Give me a sense of humor, Lord,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
To get some humor out of life,
And pass it on to other folk!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I have a good sense of humor, it is God-given and increasing every day as I experience the joy in life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

Prayer releases the power and wisdom of God into a situation.

May my gift help this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.org/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER?
Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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22Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 22, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 22, 2023 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“God is faithful.”
1 Corinthians 10:13

The 23rd Psalm (revisited)

The Lord is my Server; I shall not crash.

God makes me to reboot in clear transmissions.

God leads me to abundant bytes.

God restores my programs.

God leads me in the world-wide web towards righteousness.

Yea, though I walk through an internet of malware I will fear no virus, for You are with me.

Your antivirus and Your firewall, they comfort me.

You prepare a place before me in the presence of hackers.

You anoint my uploads with oil; my cup is filled to overflowing with positive downloads.

Surely, Windows and Macintosh shall allow me good days of life, and I will dwell in the computer of the Lord forever,

Amen.

______

This guy was watching TV as his wife was out cutting the grass during the hot summer. He finally worked up the energy to go out and ask his wife what was for supper.

Well, his missus was quite irritated about him sitting in the air conditioned house all day while she did all the work, so she scolded him. “I can’t believe you’re asking me about supper right now! Imagine I’m out of town, go inside and figure dinner out yourself!”

So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, with potatoes, garlic bread and tall glass of iced tea.

The wife finally walked in about the time he was finishing up and asked him, “You fixed something to eat? So where is mine?”

“Huh? I thought you were out of town.”

______

“Funny” PRAYER: Prayer for 2023

Dear Lord, All I want for 2023 is a big fat bank account and a slim body. Please don’t get them mixed up like you did last year.

Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: With every prayer, I wish everyone love.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Every survival kit should include a sense of humor”

May my gift help this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
http://www.positivechristianity.org/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Rev. Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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