Tag : Sunday Funnies

10Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 10, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 10, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.net

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

Happy Grandparent’s Day

GRANDPARENTS

(Taken from papers written by a class of 8-year-olds)

Grandparents are a lady and a man who have no little children of her own. They like other people’s kids. A grandfather is a man, and a grandmother is a woman.

Grandparents don’t have to do anything except be there when we come to see them. They are so old they shouldn’t play hard or run. It is good if they drive us to the store and have lots of quarters for us.

When they take us for walks, they slow down past things like pretty leaves and caterpillars.

They show us and talk to us about the color of the flowers and also why we shouldn’t step on “cracks.”

They don’t say, “Hurry up.”

Usually grandmothers are fat, but not too fat to tie your shoes.

They wear glasses and funny underwear.

They can take their teeth and gums out.

Grandparents don’t have to be smart.

They have to answer questions like, “Why isn’t God married?” and “How come dogs chase cats?”

When they read to us, they don’t skip. They don’t mind if we ask for the same story over again.

Everybody should try to have a grandmother, especially if you don’t have television, because they are the only grown ups who like to spend time with us.

They know we should have snack-time before bedtime and they say prayers with us every time, and kiss us even when we’ve acted bad.

A 6 year old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her we just go get her. Then when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”

Send this to other grandparents. It will make their day!!

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray that I smile more.
May it reflect the inner prompting of my loving thoughts.
May I forget how to frown.
No matter what kind of day I am experiencing, give me the strength to make it better with a smile.
May my smile be contagious.
May I have spiritual strength to not accept disorder as the outcome for any day.
Give me the spiritual power to change it with a smile.
May I remind myself, and all those that I meet, that You are working everything out in Divine order.
Help me God to face my life with a smile, so that I can easily convey loving thoughts to others.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The Christ light within me manifests a joyous feeling in my mind and body.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.”
Leon J. Suenes

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.net

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
03Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 3, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 3, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“A glad heart makes a cheerful countenance … But a cheerful heart has a continual feast.”
Proverbs 15:13;15

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”

He passed the minister the cash and walked away satisfied.

The wedding day arrives, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the minister looks the young man in the eye and says,

“Will you promise to bow yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.”

The groom leaned toward the minister and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”

The minister put the $100 into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

______________

Church definitions of Football actions

Quarterback Sneak – Church members quietly leaving during the invitation.

Draw Play – What many children do with the bulletin during worship.

Halftime – The period between Sunday School and worship when many choose to leave.

Benchwarmer – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or apparently do anything but sit.

Backfield-in-Motion – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.

Staying in the Pocket – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.

Two-minute Warning – The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.

Instant Replay – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.

Sudden Death – What happens to the attention span of the congregation if the preacher goes “overtime”.

Trap – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.

End Run – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.

Flex Defense – The ability to allow absolutely nothing said during the sermon to affect your life.

Halfback Option – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.

Blitz – The rush for the restaurants following the closing prayer.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray that I smile more.
May it reflect the inner prompting of my loving thoughts.
May I forget how to frown.
No matter what kind of day I am experiencing, give me the strength to make it better with a smile.
May my smile be contagious.
May I have spiritual strength to not accept disorder as the outcome for any day.
Give me the spiritual power to change it with a smile.
May I remind myself, and all those that I meet, that You are working everything out in Divine order.
Help me God to face my life with a smile, so that I can easily convey loving thoughts to others.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

The Christ light within me manifests a joyous feeling in my mind and body.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Happy are those who dream dreams and are ready to pay the price to make them come true.”
Leon J. Suenes

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
27Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 27, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 27, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy.”
Psalms 126:2

For all those that have pets, I share this week’s Sunday Funnies:

If I Didn’t Have a Dog … or Cat … ..

I could walk around the yard barefoot in safety.

My house could be carpeted instead of tiled and laminated.

All flat surfaces, clothing, furniture, and cars would be free of hair.

When the doorbell rings, it wouldn’t sound like a kennel.

When the doorbell rings, I could get to the door without wading through fuzzy bodies who beat me there.

I could sit on the couch and my bed the way I wanted, without taking into consideration how much space several fur bodies would need to get comfortable.

I would have money, and no guilt to go on a real vacation.

I would not be on a first-name basis with 6 veterinarians, as I put their yet unborn grandkids through college.

The most used words in my vocabulary would not be: out, sit, down, come, no, stay, and leave it ALONE.

My house would not be cordoned off into zones with baby gates or barriers.

I would not talk ‘baby talk’. ‘Eat your din din’. ‘Yummy yummy for the tummy’..

My house would not look like a day care center, toys everywhere.

My pockets would not contain things like plastic bags for animal droppings, treats and an extra leash.

I would no longer have to spell the words B-A-L-L, W-A-L-K, T-R-E-A-T, O-U-T, G-O, R-I-D-E, C-O-O-K-I-E

I would not have as many leaves INSIDE my house as outside.

I would not look strangely at people who think having ONE dog/cat ties them down too much.

I’d look forward to spring and the rainy season instead of dreading ‘mud’ season.

I would not have to answer the question ‘Why do you have so many animals?’ from people who will never have the joy in their lives of knowing they are loved unconditionally by someone as close to an angel as they will ever get.

How EMPTY my life would be!!!

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I thank You for Your gift of my pets.
Thank You for the blessings that pets bring to my life.
Bless my animals with health and happiness.
Help them to feel Your love, because there is no way that I can give back as much love as they give me.

Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God’s joy blesses me and everyone in my world.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The power of imagination makes us infinite.”
John Muir

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
20Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 20, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 20, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“Your faith has made you well.”
Mark 5:32

A healing Pastor came to a church. There was a long line to see him. It was a little boy’s turn in line and he said it was his hearing.

So, the healing Pastor grabbed his ears and said a prayer.

The Pastor let go and asked, “How’s your hearing now?”

“I don’t know … it’s not till Friday,” replied the boy.

_______

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to “Honor thy father and thy mother,” she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”

Without missing a beat one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”

_______

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.

“How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me,” the father answered.

The boy replied, “Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”

_______

For all of us who are—seniors—
for all of you who know seniors—
and for all of you who will be seniors.

It pays to be able to laugh about it when you are a senior!

‘Where Is My Paper?’

The irate customer calling the newspaper offices loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.

“Ma’am,” said the employee, “today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.”

There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.

“So that’s why no one was in church today.”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I am ready for a miracle;
I am ready for new works and wonders in my life.
Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

With unwavering faith, I affirm my belief in God!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“When I was young, the Dead sea was only sick.”
George Burns

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
13Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 13, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 13, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“Know therefore that the LORD your God, is God, the faithful God, who keeps God’s covenant and God’s lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love God and keep God’s commandments.”
Deuteronomy 7:9

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait”. Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

________________________________________

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

________________________________________

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

________________________________________

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s laptop computer. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

________________________________________

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always, she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

________________________________________

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn’t wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark. “What caused the submarine to sink?” With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

What can I give God
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a wise man
I would do my part;
Yet what can I give God –
Give my heart.
– Rossetti

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am one with the life of God!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“I believe that prayer is the very soul and essence of religion, and, therefore prayer is the very core of the life of a person, for no one can live without prayer.”
Mahatma Gandhi

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
06Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 6, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 6, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“They … were praying and singing hymns to God … and immediately ALL the doors were opened.”
Acts 16:23-26

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

‘I’d like to be eight again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being eight again’?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed … !

‘I meant my dress size, you idiot!!!!”

_________________________________________

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying, “A dollar per point.”

The next class the professor handed the tests back out.

This student got his test back and $64 change.

__________________________________________

“Nature is a gift from God and every blade of grass is a sermon,” a preacher told his summertime congregation.

The next day, the minister was mowing his lawn when a member of the church came along.

The parishioner stood and watched his pastor mow for a while. Then, nodding his head in approval, he said, “Way to go, Pastor, cut ’em short.”

_____________________________________

Grandma says, “Think positive – it keeps you young.” For example, I fell down the stairs today and I thought WOW – that’s the fastest I’ve moved in years!

___________________________________________

The following is not meant to be funny, but something to be pondered upon this Sunday. This is said to have been posted on a church door in England. I like this. I believe something like it, should be posted on every church door:

“We extend a special welcome to those who are single, married, divorced, widowed, gay, confused, filthy rich, comfortable, or dirt poor. We extend a special welcome to those who are crying newborns, skinny as a rake or could afford to lose a few pounds. You’re welcome if you are Old Leigh, New Leigh, Not Leigh, or just passing by. We welcome you if you can sing like Pavarotti or can’t carry a note in a bucket. You’re welcome here if you’re ‘just browsing,’ just woke up or just got out of prison. We don’t care if you’re more Christian than the Archbishop of Canterbury, or haven’t been in church since little Jack’s christening. We extend a special welcome to those who are over 60 but not grown up yet, and to teenagers who are growing up too fast. We welcome keep-fit mums, football dads, starving artists, tree-huggers, latte-sippers, vegetarians, junk-food eaters. We welcome those who are in recovery or still addicted. We welcome you if you’re having problems or you’re down in the dumps or if you don’t like ‘organized religion.’ We’ve been there too! If you blew all your money on the horses, you’re welcome here. We offer a welcome to those who think the earth is flat, ‘work too hard,’ don’t work, can’t spell, or because grandma is in town and wanted to go to church. We welcome those who are inked, pierced or both. We offer a special welcome to those who could use a prayer right now, had religion shoved down your throat as a kid or got lost on the London Road and wound up here by mistake. We welcome tourists, seekers and doubters, bleeding hearts … and you!”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God,

I let you be in absolute control of my life and affairs.
This keeps me stable even when it seems that situations are not unfolding as I had planned.
God I realize that the Divine plan is higher than my own.
God you are always with me and my highest good is eternally unfolding.

God you are in charge of all that concerns me.
I hold to this truth even in the midst of discouragement.
I acknowledge that You are the source of my good and infinitely able to set conditions right.
I have faith in God’s power to adjust and transform every circumstance.
I place myself and everything that concerns me in Your care and keeping.
God you are in charge of my life, and I relax.
In faith I know that all is well.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am happy and cheerful, for I know that nothing can separate me from the joy of God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“The two most important days in your life are, the day you were born, and the day you find out why.”
Mark Twain

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

Read More
30Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 30, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 30, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“I have loved you with an everlasting love.”
Jeremiah 31:3

_____________________________________________

Father Brendan O’Malley got up one fine spring day and walked to the window of his bedroom, to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside, and noticed there was a jackass lying dead, in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station.

“Top o’ the day to ye. This is Sgt. Pat Flaherty. How might I help ye?”

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father Brendan O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There’s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Could ye be sending a couple o’ yer lads over to take care of the matter?”

Sgt. Pat Flaherty considered himself to be quite a wit said, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

There was dead silence on the line for a moment and then Father Brendan O’Malley replied: “Aye, tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin!”

________________________________________________

1.When I die, I want to die like my grandfather– who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car. – Author Unknown

2) Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” – Author Unknown

3) The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. – Jeff Foxworthy

4) If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life, without even considering if there is a man on base. – Dave Barry

5) A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.” – Conan O’Brien

6) Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God … .. I could be eating a slow learner. – Lynda Montgomery

7) If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

8) Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography. – Paul Rodriguez

9) My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law. – Jerry Seinfeld

10) Remember in elementary school, you were told that, in case of fire, you have to line up quietly in a single file line, from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower? – Warren Hutcherson

11) You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, “My God, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!” – Dave Barry

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Thank You God, for Your presence with me, through me, and as me in my spiritual transformations. Everywhere I go, and everything I do, has Your presence in it. I sense this, feel this, and know this.
I know Your light as love.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am enthusiastic about my personal growth and spiritual development.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“It is not what we take out, but what we give up, that makes us rich.”
Henry Ward Beecher

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
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To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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23Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 23, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 23, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“I will sing of loyalty and of justice.”
Psalms 101:1

_____________________________________________

True: Caller ID –

This story involves a pastor of a storefront church. The pastor’s church is called Almighty God Tabernacle.

On a Saturday night, this pastor was working late, and decided to call his wife before he left for home. It was about 10:00 PM, but his wife didn’t answer the phone. The pastor let it ring many times. He thought it was odd that she didn’t answer, but decided to wrap up a few things and try again in a few minutes.

When he tried again she answered right away. He asked her why she hadn’t answered before, and she said that it hadn’t rung at their house. They brushed it off as a fluke and went on their merry ways.

The following Monday, the pastor received a call at the church office, which was the phone that he’d used that Saturday night. The man that he spoke with wanted to know why he’d called on Saturday night.

The pastor couldn’t figure out what the guy was talking about. Then the guy said, “It rang and rang, but I didn’t answer.” The pastor remembered the mishap and apologized for disturbing him, explaining that he’d intended to call his wife.

The man said, “That’s OK. Let me tell you my story. You see, I was planning to commit suicide on Saturday night, but before I did, I prayed, ‘God if you’re there, and you don’t want me to do this, give me a sign now.’

At that point my phone started to ring. I looked at the caller ID, and it said, ‘Almighty God’.

I was afraid to answer!”

AMEN

_____________________________________________

For those diagnosed with AAADD – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it goes …

I decide to do work on the car, start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I’m going to work on the car … BUT FIRST I’m going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I’ll just put the bills on my desk … BUT FIRST I’ll take the trash out, but since I’m going to be near the mailbox, I’ll address a few bills … Yes, Now where is the checkbook? Oops … there’s only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks?

Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I’m going to look for those checks … BUT FIRST I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there’s my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I’ll

Just put them away … BUT FIRST need to water those plants. I head for the door and … Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote on the wrong spot.

Okay, I’ll put the remote away and water the plants … BUT FIRST I need to find those checks.

END OF THE DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys, … And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I’m baffled because … I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY!

I realize this condition is serious … I’d get help … BUT FIRST … I think I’ll check my e-mail.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I pray that you will help me to laugh more and take myself less seriously. I pray that I have the ability to see humor in life.
I pray that I am never afraid to smile and share this God-given warmth of living.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I am peaceful and relaxed in the knowledge that

God’s spirit of Divine order and understanding is at work in all my affairs.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Courtesies of the small and trivial character are the ones which strike deepest in the grateful and appreciating heart.”
Henry Clay

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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16Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 16, 2023 ~Sunday Funnies~

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 16, 20
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“As a mother comforts her child, so I will comfort you.”
Isaiah 66:13

When “God provides”, God provides THE VERY BEST!

A woman received a telephone call that her infant daughter was very sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy for some medication for her daughter. When returning to her car, she had locked the keys inside.

She had to get home to her sick daughter, and didn’t know what to do. She called home to the babysitter, and was told her daughter was getting worse. She said, “you might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door.”

The woman found the old rusty coat hanger on the ground, as if someone else had locked their keys in their car. Then she looked at the hanger and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”

She bowed her head in prayer and asked God for help.

An old rusty car pulled up, driven by a dirty, greasy bearded man with a biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, “Great God. This is what you sent to help me????” But she was desperate, and thankful.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help. She said, “Yes, my daughter is very sick. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car.” He said, “SURE.”

He walked over to the car and in seconds the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, “Thank you so much … You are a very nice man.”

The man replied, “Lady, I ain’t a nice man. I just got out of prison for car theft.”

The woman hugged the man again and cried out loud, “THANK YOU GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!”

God will always open doors that have been closed to you.

________

Taking a Centipede to Church

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him, so he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time.”

But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, “How about going to church with me and receive blessings?”

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.

He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede’s house and shouting, “Hey, in there!

Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord!?”

YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!

A little voice came out of the box:.. “I heard you the first time! I’m putting on my shoes.”

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, whenever I need Your help, You are there with me to uplift me and give me strength. Your loving presence fills me relieving every longing of my heart.
You are always with me, God – even when I am least aware of You.
Then, ever so gently, I began to feel Your presence. You are the voice of compassion
I hear, the encouragement I feel – just when I need it.
You see in me what I may not always be able to see in myself.

Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

God’s will for me is health and harmony, and I am made whole.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Constant dripping hollows out a stone.”
Lucretius

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
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ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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09Jul

Positive Daily Inspiration – July 9, 2023 – ~Sunday Funnies~

Positive Daily Inspiration - July 9, 2023
~Sunday Funnies~

a gift from www.PositiveChristianity.org

̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶ o O o ̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶̶

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“Let me hear in the morning of Thy steadfast love, for in Thee I place my trust.”
Psalms 143:8

_____________________________________________

TECH SUPPORT

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from boyfriend to husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under boyfriend.

In addition, husband uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Football, Golfing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

____

Dear Desperate,

First keep in mind, boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: ‘http: I Thought You Loved Me.html’ and try to download Tears. Don’t forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, husband should then automatically run the applications Jewelry and Flowers, but remember … over-use of the above application can cause husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Man Cave.

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash husband.

In summary, husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Rich Food and Compliments.

Good Luck,

Tech Support

_____________________________________________

MISSING WIFE!

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sheriff: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sheriff: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can’t remember.

Sheriff: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don’t know exactly.

Sheriff: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sheriff: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: A 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission and climate controlled air conditioning. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed, which has a matching aftermarket bed liner. Custom leather 6-way seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch and special wiring hook-ups. DVD with full GPS navigation, satellite radio receiver, 23-channel CB radio, six cup holders, a USB port, and four power outlets. I added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. It has custom running boards and indirect wheel well lighting.

At this point the husband started choking up.

Sheriff: Take it easy, we’ll find your truck.

__________________________________________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I ask You today to bless my friends and loved ones. I pray that my good prayers for them are answered.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION:

I believe that God works through me for good.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“In order to succeed, we must first believe that we can.”
Michael Korda

_____________________________________________

Support this on-going magnificent work of God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
http://www.positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

NEED PRAYER?
Click here https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To submit an OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.

Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.

There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Encyclopedia of Prayers: https://positivechristianity.net/enc-prayers/

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch
ON OUR WEBSITE
www.PositiveChristianity.org

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth and our prayer team.

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