Tag : Sunday Funnies

23Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 23, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 23, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Know therefore that the LORD your God, is God, the faithful God, who keeps God’s covenant and God’s lovingkindness to a thousandth generation with those who love God and keep God’s commandments.”
Deuteronomy 7:9

One particular four-year-old prayed, “And forgive us our trash baskets as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.”

A little boy was overheard praying: “Lord, if you can’t make me a better boy, don’t worry about it. I’m having a real good time like I am.”

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel microphone, and as he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait”. Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”

_____

When my grandson, Billy, and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”

_____

A mother was telling her little girl what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”

_____

A little girl was diligently pounding away on her father’s laptop computer. She told him she was writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked. “I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”

_____

I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it was. She would tell me, and always, she was correct. But it was fun for me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these yourself!”

_____

Our five-year-old son Mark couldn’t wait to tell his father about the movie we had watched on television, “20,000 Leagues Under the Sea.” The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark. “What caused the submarine to sink?” With a look of incredulity Mark replied, “Dad, it was the 20,000 leaks!”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

What can I give God
Poor as I am?
If I were a shepherd
I would bring a lamb;
If I were a wise man
I would do my part;
Yet what I can I give God –
Give my heart.

– Rossetti

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am one with the life of God!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “I believe that prayer is the very soul and essence of religion, and, therefore prayer is the very core of the life of a person, for no one can live without prayer.”
Mahatma Gandhi

_____

Every gift helps this ministry reach the world – over 2 million and counting.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/ – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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16Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 16, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 16, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks!)

“God has made everything beautiful in its time; also God has put eternity into a humans mind.”
Ecclesiastes 3:11

The cat who ate a ball of yarn? She had mittens.

The kid who started a business tying shoelaces on the playground? It was a knot-for-profit.

The claustrophobic astronaut? He just wanted a little more space.

The veterinarian who prescribes birth-control pills for dogs? It’s part of an anti-litter campaign.

If athletes get athlete’s foot, what do astronauts get? Missile toe.

How many telemarketers does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but he has to do it while you are eating dinner.

How many paranoid people does it take to change a light bulb? Who wants to know?

If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

Winter: the season when we try to keep the house as hot as it was in the summer, when we complained about the heat.

Conscience: the small voice that makes you feel smaller.

The trouble with getting to work on time is that it makes the day so long.

Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he will sit in a boat and snack all day.

Why don’t pirates take a shower before they walk the plank? They just wash up on shore.

What do you call a steak that’s been knighted by the queen? Sir Loin.

If you arrest a mime, do you have to tell him he has the right to remain silent?

What do you call a chicken who crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and then crosses back again? A dirty double-crosser.

Why did the chicken go to the séance? To get to the other side.

Why did the rooster cross the road? To prove he wasn’t a chicken.

I used to believe that all things must pass – until I got stuck behind a school bus.

What did the zookeeper say after the python broke free? Nothing.

Why don’t cats play poker in the jungle? Too many cheetahs.

At which school did Sherlock Holmes get so smart? Elementary.

Two men walk into a bar. You’d think at least one of them would have ducked.

Where does a wine maker get his gossip? Through the grapevine.

Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because he was stuffed.

_____

Every gift helps this ministry reach the world – over 2 million and counting.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/ – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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09Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 9, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 9, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Everyone who believes is set free.”
Acts 13:39

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding …

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma’am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I’d give it to you, but I don’t have one.

Officer: Don’t have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see … Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can’t do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk, if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please. The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma’am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is quite stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officer’s claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma’am, one of my officers told me you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.

_________

Subject: Ten Best Things to Say If Caught Sleeping At Your Desk

10. “They told me at the Blood Bank that this might happen.”

9. “This is just a 15-minute power nap like they raved about at the Time-Management course you sent me to.”

8. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out. You probably got here just in time!”

7. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”

6. “I was testing my keyboard for drool-resistance.”

5. “I was doing a highly-specified Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?”

4. “Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

3. “The coffee machine is broken … ..”

2. “Someone must have put decaf in the wrong pot … “

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK …

1. ” … In Jesus’ name. Amen”.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

God is my Creator, the God life within me responds to prayers, and I immediately feel stronger and healthier. And this feeling grows with each passing moment. Both mentally and physically, I am healing now!

Thank You, God.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I never walk alone, for I am one with God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Change yourself and fortune will change with you.”
Portuguese Proverb

_____

Every gift helps this ministry reach the world – over 2 million and counting.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/ – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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02Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 2, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 2, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Guide our feet into the way of peace.”
Luke 1:79

Did you hear they arrested the devil? Yeah, they got him on possession.

What did one DNA say to the other DNA? “Do these genes make me look fat?”

My IQ test results came back. They were negative.

What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law? Outlaws are wanted.

Advice to husbands: Try praising your wife now and then, even if it does startle her at first.

Did you hear about the shepherd who drove his sheep through town? He was given a ticket for making a ewe turn.

What happens to an illegally parked frog? It gets toad away.

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

Our child has a great deal of willpower – and even more won’t power.

Among the things that are so simple even a child can operate them are parents.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.

What did one cannibal say to the other while they were eating a clown? “Does this taste funny to you?”

What do you call a mobster who’s buried in cement? A hardened criminal.

What do you need in order to make a small fortune on Wall Street? A large fortune.

One of the oddities of Wall Street is that the dealer, not the customer, is the broker.

A rich man is 0ne who isn’t afraid to ask the clerk to show him something cheaper.

If you take $2 out of an ATM that has a $2.50 fee, do you owe the machine money?

The reason some politicians like to stand on their record is to keep voters from examining it.

The insomnia patient was such a fervent vegetarian that he counted carrots jumping over a fence.

My father is allergic to cotton. He has pills he can take, but he can’t get them out of the bottle.

You’ll always stay young if you live honestly, eat slowly, sleep sufficiently, work industriously, worship faithfully, and lie about your age.

Positive Daily Prayer

I pray on this Sunday that God guides me.
I pray that I’m not able to take a wrong turn.
I pray that I listen more than normal to God’s right path.
Being on God’s right path I pray that I make a positive difference everywhere I go.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

Positive Daily Affirmation: God illumines me. My way is clear.

Positive Daily Quote: “You better cut the pizza in four pieces because I’m not hungry enough to eat six.” –
Yogi Berra

_____

Every gift helps this ministry reach the world – over 2 million and counting.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/ – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

Read More
25Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 25, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 25, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“The grass withers, the flower fades, but the word of God stands forever.”
Isaiah 40:8

A former Sergeant, having served his time with the Marine Corps, took a new job as a school teacher; but just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn’t noticeable.

On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-alecky punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and decided to see how tough he really was, before trying any pranks. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and promptly stapled the tie to his chest.

… … Dead silence …

He had no trouble with discipline that year.

__________

A man said, I was relaxing in my favorite chair on Sunday. Reading the newspaper, watching a ball game on TV and listening to another on the radio, drinking Coca-Cola, eating a snack, and scratching the dog with my foot – and my wife has the nerve to accuse me of just sitting there doing nothing.

__________

Lawrence grabbed his plate and walked up to the party buffet for the fourth time. Aren’t you embarrassed to go back for so many helpings? Asked his wife.

Not a bit, Lawrence replied. I keep telling them it’s for you.

__________

George Burns punctuated this story with a flick of his cigar. “A woman said to me, is it true that you still go out with young girls? I said yes, it’s true. She said, is it true that you still smoke 15 to 20 cigars a day? I said yes, it’s true I said, is it true that you still take a few drinks every day? I said yes, it’s true.

Shocked, she said, what does your doctor say? I said, he’s dead.

__________

What is the definition of a bachelor pad?

All the houseplants are dead, but there’s something growing in the refrigerator.

An experienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was underwater.

What kind of a salesman are you? The boss scolded. Get out there and sell him a boat.

__________

An employee said, the stress my boss puts me under is killing me. I have migraines, my blood pressure is going through the roof, I can’t sleep at night, I just found out I have an ulcer, and as long as I stay in this job the only question is whether I’ll have a stroke or heart attack.

So why don’t you quit?

Employee: I have a great health plan.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

On this Sunday, I agree to remember You God. If I am unable to go to church, I hereby promise to spend at least one hour watching a church service on television, or one hour reading the Bible.

I dedicate this Sunday to You, my God.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am one with the ONE.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement.” Helen Keller

_____

On this Sunday – Give back to God.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

___

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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18Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 18, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 18, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“If we live by the Spirit, let us also be guided by the Spirit.”
Galatians 5:25

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn’t concentrate.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the ax.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next, I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried to be a chef. I figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn’t have any patients.

I became a professional fisherman but discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.

So, then I got a job in a gymnasium, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.

After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.

My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

_____

After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were:
His dizzy aunt … Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes … Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store … Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia … U Gogh
The cousin from Illinois … Chica Gogh
His magician uncle … Wherediddy Gogh
His Spanish cousin … Amee Gogh
The Spanish cousin’s American half brother … Grin Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt … Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco … Go Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach … Wellsfar Gogh
His arrogant uncle … E Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking … Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew … Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van … Winnie BayGogh

_____

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class. She called on him and said, “Johnny!?

What are 2, 4, 8 and 10?” Little Johnny quickly replied, “NBC, CBS, ABC, and the Cartoon Network!”

_____

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just passing by. He gets into the taxi and the driver says, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.”

Passenger: “Who?”
Cabbie: “Frank. Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank every single time.”

Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”

Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”

Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to use. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank could do everything right.”

Passenger: “Wow, some guy then.”

Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong. And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.”

Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”

Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I am so thankful that You fill me with Your light and show me the way. You gently guide me so that I am sure and steady. You lead me to a place where I can be most helpful, and You remind me to be confident and stand firm once I am there. You direct my thoughts so that I am enriched by Divine ideas. Dear God, here are my hands, my heart, my whole being. I want to be Your light and love in action. I am ready to spread goodwill wherever I am.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I applied my efforts with God. God’s joy is established in me and in my life. God’s joy governs me in all that I do!

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”
Woodrow Wilson

_____

Supported 100% by our readers – THANK YOU!
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

___

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

Read More
11Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 11, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 11, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

WE join those in prayer and honored memory on this 9/11.

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“And I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.”
Psalms 23:6

People were asked to submit actual quotes from real-life managers. Here are the winners:

‘As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday, and employees will receive their cards in two weeks.’

(This was the winning quote from Fred Dales, Microsoft Corp,)

‘What I need is an exact list of specific unknown problems we might encounter.’
(Lykes Lines Shipping)

‘E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business.’
(Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)

‘This project is so important we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it.’
(Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)

‘Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.’
(Plant manager, Delco Corporation)

‘No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them.’
(R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/ 3M Corp)

Quote from the boss: ‘Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.’
(Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)

My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died on purpose so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, ‘That would be better for me.’
(Shipping executive, FTD Florists)

‘We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.’
(Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)

________

An elderly man in Tennessee had owned a large farm for several years. He had a pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, since he hadn’t been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women in bikinis in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond in your small bikinis.”

Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

(Some old men can still think fast.)

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

As we unite in prayer, we pray that you will be inspired and blessed,
and will be helping to bless and inspire others. Our prayers do not stop
with us. May you, and those you pray for, receive very special blessing
from God. May your life be enriched and made new by the power of God.
As our lives touch others today visiting church, or praying where we are,
let us know that with God there is always new opportunity. Every positive
prayer, every constructive word, every movement in the direction of faith,
makes it possible for God to do great things through us.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Wherever I am, God is and therefore I can begin again on the road to my success.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “I found the secret to eternal youth. I lie about my age.” Bob Hope

_____

Supported 100% by our readers – THANK YOU!
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

Read More
04Sep

Positive Daily Inspiration – September 4, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - September 4, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“I have said this to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

At the end of summer, when the power mower was broken and wouldn’t run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sunk in.

Finally, I thought of a clever way to make the point. When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments, and when he came out again, he handed me a toothbrush.

“When you finish cutting the grass,” he said, “you might as well sweep the sidewalks.”

He will be just fine, when they take the casts off.

_____

Everyone thinks we are senile.

An elderly couple, who were childhood sweethearts, had married and settled down in their old neighborhood and are celebrating their fiftieth wedding anniversary.

They walk down the street to their old school.

There, they hold hands as they find the old desk they’d shared, and where he had carved “I love you, Sally.”

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armored car, practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, but they don’t know what to do with it, so they take it home. There, she counts the money, and it’s fifty-thousand dollars. The husband says, “We’ve got to give it back.” She says, “Finders keepers” and she puts the money back in the bag and hides it up in their attic.

The next day, two FBI men are going door-to-door in the neighborhood, looking for the money and show up at their home.

They say, “Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armored car yesterday?”

She says, “No.” The husband says, “She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.” She says, “Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.” But the agents sit the man down and begin to question him. One says, “Tell us the story from the beginning.”

The old man says, “Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday … “

The FBI guy looks at his partner and says, “We’re outta here … “

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

On this Sunday, I take time to worship in my own way. If I am able to go to church – I go.

I do not miss the opportunity to be recharged and revitalized. I spend time today with God and this prepares me in spiritual ways beyond what I even know. I worship You dear God, in gratitude for all the wonder in my life.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I am God’s child, richly endowed with God given gifts. I praise the good in my life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars … you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.” Desiderata

_____

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GOD BLESS YOU, Happy Labor Day!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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28Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 28, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 28, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks.)

“You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand.”
Psalm 16:11

I am fine … … YOU BETCHA … ..

Ole’s car was hit by a truck in an accident.

In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Ole.

‘Didn’t you say, sir, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine, ?’ asked the lawyer.

Ole responded, ‘Vell, I’ll tell you vat happened. I had yust loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into da … ..’

‘I didn’t ask for any details’, the lawyer interrupted. ‘Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?

Ole said, ‘Vell, I had yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas driving down da road … ..

The lawyer interrupted again and said, ‘Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.’

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Ole’s answer and said to the lawyer, ‘I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie’.

Ole thanked the Judge and proceeded. ‘Vell, as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into da trailer and vas driving her down da highvay ven dis huge semi-truck and trailer ran da stop sign and smacked my truck right in da side. I vas trown into one ditch and Bessie vas thrown into da other. I vas hurting real bad and didn’t vant to move.

However, I could hear Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape yust by her groans’. ‘Shortly after da accident da Highway Patrolman, he came to da scene.. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he vent over to her’..

‘After he looked at her and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her right ‘tween da eyes.

Den da Patrolman, he came across da road, gun still smoking, looked at me and said, ‘How are you feeling?’

‘Now vat da heck vould YOU say?

_____

THE FOLLOWING ARE SUPPOSEDLY REAL STATEMENTS MADE DURING COURT CASES:

Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.

_____

From a defendant representing himself …
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I allegedly stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.

_____

Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the defendant?
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.

_____

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.

_____

Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have a comment on the defendant’s motion?
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.

_____

Judge: Please identify yourself for the record.
Defendant: Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.
Judge: What does the ‘Colonel’ stand for?
Defendant: Well, it’s kinda like the ‘Honorable’ in front of your name – not a darned thing.

_____

Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?

_____

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the court?
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a lousy person, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.
Defendant: What if I thought you were a lousy person?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against thinking.
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a lousy person.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, Almighty and everlasting, who allowed Jesus Christ to teach humankind, and to bless humankind. Help me to follow Jesus, and do the same, between family and friends, help me to make a difference in the lives that I touch.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I never forget to laugh.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “The supreme accomplishment is to blur the line between work and play.” Arnold J. Toynbee

_____

Make a difference, God WILL give to you!
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Thank you!

___

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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21Aug

Positive Daily Inspiration – August 21, 2022 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - August 21, 2022 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Thou shalt also decree a thing, and it shall be established unto the: and the light shall shine upon thy ways.” Job 22:28

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, “How many women can a man marry?”

“Sixteen,” the boy responded. His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly.

“How do you know that?”

“Easy,” the little boy said. “All you have to do is add it up, like the Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer.”

******

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

********

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service: “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”

*********

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon. “How do you know what to say?” he asked.

“Why, God tells me.”

“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out and erasing?”

**********

A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”

***********

After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, “That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!”

**********

Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Kyle.

“I see … And that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Terri said. “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius-the Pilot.

********

The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?”

“No sir,” little Johnny replies, “I don’t have to. My Mom is a good cook.”

*********

A college drama group presented a play in which one character would stand on a trapdoor and announce, “I descend into hell!” A stagehand below would then pull a rope, the trapdoor would open, and the character would plunge through. The play was well received. When the actor playing the part became ill, another actor who was quite overweight took his place. When the new actor announced, “I descend into hell!” the stagehand pulled the rope, and the actor began his plunge, but became hopelessly stuck. No amount of tugging on the rope could make him descend. One student in the balcony jumped up and yelled: “Hallelujah! Hell is full!”

*********

Pastor Dave Charlton tells us, “After a worship service at First Baptist Church in Newcastle, Kentucky, a mother with a fidgety seven-year-old boy told me how she finally got her son to sit still and be quiet. About halfway through the sermon, she leaned over and whispered, ‘If you don’t be quiet, Pastor Charlton is going to lose his place and will have to start his sermon all over again!’ It worked.”

********

A little girl walked to and from school daily. Though the weather that morning was questionable and clouds were forming, she made her daily trek to the elementary school. As the afternoon progressed, the winds whipped up, along with thunder and lightning. The mother of the little girl felt concerned that her daughter would be frightened as she walked home from school and she herself feared that the electrical storm might harm her child. Following the roar of thunder, lightning, like a flaming sword, would cut through the sky. Full of concern, the mother quickly got into her car and drove along the route to her child’s school.

As she did so, she saw her little girl walking along, but at each flash of lightning, the child would stop, look up and smile. Another and another were to follow quickly and with each the little girl would look at the streak of light and smile. When the mother’s car drew up beside the child she lowered the window and called to her, “What are you doing? Why do you keep stopping?”

The child answered, “I am trying to look pretty. God keeps taking my picture.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God on this Sunday
I remember Your blessings
and I thank You for all the small and large things You have done for me
and those that I love.
I am overwhelmed with gratitude for Your presence,
direction, guidance, and ever-present help.

Thank You God.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I give back, today I take time to find a church and worship God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “I remind myself every morning: Nothing I say this day will teach me anything. So if I’m going to learn, I must do it by listening.”
Larry King

_____

Make a difference, partner with God and God WILL partner with you!
Become a sustainer with a recurring monthly gift or one-time:
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By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387
Thank you!

___

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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