Tag : Sunday Funnies

15Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 15, 2023 – SUNDAY FUNNIES

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 15, 2023 - SUNDAY FUNNIES

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“But Thou art near, O Lord, and all Thy commandments are true.”
Psalms 119:151

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,

“Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”

“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”

“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”

_____

While attending a marriage seminar on communication, David and his wife listened to the instructor declare, “It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.”

He addressed the men, “Do you know what your wife’s favorite flower is?”

David leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, “Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?”

_____

A woman walks into a bank, in New York City, and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.

The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled … While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The woman replies … “Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

_____

His wife’s graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little, old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, “Well, she’s there.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, this Sunday, I give You my full attention. I do not let outer conditions control me. I focus my attention on You as the only power in my life. I turned to You with faith and conviction, I shift my attention away from temporary fax and conditions to the lasting reality of Your good. My life reflects the blessing of my oneness with You.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

NEED PRAYER? Click here – Positive Christianity will start praying with you, daily, for an entire month. There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: There is One presence and One power in my life: God, the good, omnipotent.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “To me every hour of the day and night is an unspeakably perfect miracle.”
Walt Whitman

May my gift help this on-going great work of God.
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray for you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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08Jan

Positive Daily Inspiration – January 8, 2023 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - January 8, 2023 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“My peace I give unto you.” John 14:27

1. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch ’em.

3. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
When the pastor says, “I’d like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering” and five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because “It ain’t never been in a hole it couldn’t get out of”

6. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The choir is known as the “OK Chorale”.

7. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
People think “rapture” is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

8. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized ” Wheeling ” washtub.

9. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob’s Barbecue.

10. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a ’56 Chevy.

11. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

12. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

13. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The communion wine is Boone’s Farm “Tickled Pink”.

14. You Know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
“Thou shall not covet” applies to huntin’ dogs, too.

15. You know You’re in a Redneck Church if …
The final words of the benediction are, “Y’all come back now, Ya hear”.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I let go and I let You take over. I let go of the negative. I let go of the stress. With Your help I implement the positive. I let go of unwanted thoughts and feelings and I let the calm and the quiet of the Divine rule supreme. I let the spirit of peace, the spirit of love, the spirit of faith, the spirit of good – take over in my life and all that concerns me.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I let go and I let God.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “As I grow to understand life less and less, I learn to love it more and more.”
Jules Renard

_____

May my gift help this on-going great work
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray for you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Happy New Year!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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18Dec

Positive Daily Inspiration – December 18, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - December 18, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

December 18, 2022 www.PositiveChristianity.org presents
Positive Daily Inspiration

Sunday Funnies
(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Remember, I am with you always.”
Matthew 28:20

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?” The man said, “I do Father.” The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?” “Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply. “Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?” O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

______

Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to harm himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?”

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

One nice thing about egotists: they don’t talk about other people.

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
(Isn’t it already sour?)

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, may I be filled with loving kindness.
May I be well.
May I be peaceful and at ease.
May I be happy.

Thank You, God.
Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: The smiles and laughter of God shines within me.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Sometimes we have the dream, but we are not ourselves ready for the dream. We have to grow to meet it.”
Louis L’Amour

_____

DONATION: To make a donation credited to this calendar year, do so by midnight on the 31st or send us a check dated before 2023 Your thank you letter will reflect the 2022 offering date, even if we receive it at the post office after the first.
Instant online donation: https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
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NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray for you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Merry Christmas!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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11Dec

Positive Daily Inspiration – December 11, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - December 11, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Call to me and I will answer you, and will tell you great and hidden things that you have not known.”
Jeremiah 33:3

(Personal note – Today we honor in prayer those that lost their lives September 11, 2001.)

A couple of years ago, I visited the 9/11 memorial in New York City. It is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever seen – it literally will take your breath away.)

Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. A small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked.

“Sure,” said the young boy confidently. “It means carrying a child.”

_____

A grandmother was surprised by her 7-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life.

When she got to the bottom, there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?” Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV – ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!”

_____

Susie Sunshine asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite Bible stories. She was puzzled by Jimmy’s picture which showed four people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent. “The flight to Egypt,” said Jimmy. “I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus,” Ms. Susie said. “But who’s the fourth person?” “Oh, that’s Pontius the Pilot.”

_____

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, ‘For heaven’s sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out.'”

_____

A nursery schoolteacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster. “No,” said another, “he’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrant.”

_____

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. “Why do you do that, Mommy?” he asked. “To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. “What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, I consult You as You are all-knowing, and I seek ability from Your power and I ask You for Your great favor. You know all hidden matters, and You have knowledge that I do not. I ask You to make my way easy and bless it.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: The loving, comforting presence of Christ works within me to uplift, sustain, and strengthen myself and others.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE:

“Sow a thought, and you reap an act;
Sow an act, and you reap a habit;
Sow a habit, and you reap a character;
Sow a character, and you reap a destiny.”
Charles Reade

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my Christmas gift:
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray for you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Merry Christmas!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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04Dec

Positive Daily Inspiration – December 4, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - December 4, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

Psalm 30:12
“That my heart may sing to you and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give you thanks for ever.”

At the church meeting, the preacher announced, “Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward.” Billy got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, “Billy, what is your need that you want me to pray about?”

Billy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.” The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Billy, how is your hearing now?”

Billy answered, “I don’t know. It ain’t ’til next week.”

______

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil. At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol: dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke: dead.
Third worm in chocolate syrup: dead.
Fourth worm in good clean soil: alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”

Betty Lou was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

That pretty much ended the service.

______

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. “What are you doing?” she asked. “Hunting Flies,” he responded. “Oh! Did you kill any?” she asked.. “Yep, 3 males, 2 females,” he replied. Intrigued, she asked, “How can you tell them apart?” He responded, “3 were on a pizza, 2 were on the telephone.”

______

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was also the local Pastor, if they could discuss the use of the family car.

His father invited him to his study and said, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study the scriptures, and get your hair cut and we’ll consider it.”

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss the use of the car. They again went to the father’s study where his father said, “Son, I’ve been real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your scriptures diligently, but you didn’t get your hair cut!”

The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that.

You know, Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”

To which his father replied, “Yes, and they WALKED everywhere they went!”

_______

55 year old Shirley was from Beverly Hills. One day, she had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near-death experience. She saw St. Peter and asked, “Is this it?” St. Peter said, “No, you have another 30 years to live.”

Upon her recovery, she decided to stay in the hospital and have collagen shots, cheek implants, a facelift, and liposuction. She even had someone dye her hair. She figured since she had another 30 to 40 years, she might as well make the most of it. She walked out of the hospital after the last operation and was hit by a speeding car and killed. She again arrived in front of St. Peter and said, “I thought you said I had another 30 to 40 years.”

St. Peter replied, “Is that you, Shirley? I didn’t recognize you!”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Psalm 106:1; 107:1
“Praise the Lord. Give thanks to the Lord, for God is good; God’s love endures for ever.” I praise You today, and every moment this week for all the good You have given me, and will give me. I praise You most of all for Your all-accepting love of me.

Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: God’s harmonizing love fills my heart and overflows to establish peace in every area of my life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “A strong positive attitude will create more miracles than any wonder drug.”
Patricia Neal

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as a fly by.”
Douglas Adams

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my gift:
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
To OPEN a Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with for you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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27Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 27, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 27, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Clap your hands, all you peoples; shout to God with loud songs of joy.”
Psalms 47:1

A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response..”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.”

Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.

So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Then she says, in an exasperated voice,

“Ralph, … for the FIFTH time, … CHICKEN!”

________

A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”

________

Back in the cowboy days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days … and then they saw an old Jewish Rabbi, sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said, “We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?”

“Vell, I tink so,” the old Rabbi said, “but I vouldn’t go up dat hill, und down de udder side. Somevun tole me you’d run into a big bacon tree.” “A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.”Yah, ah bacon tree. Vould I lie? … .. Trust me, I vouldn’t go dere.”

The leader goes back and tells his people what the Rabbi said.

“So why did he say not to go there?” some pioneers asked.” Oh, you know Jewish people don’t eat bacon.” So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians are attacking from everywhere and they massacre all except the leader who manages to escape back to the old Jewish Rabbi.

The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree. Just hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone but me.”

The old Jewish man holds up his hand and says, “Oy … .. vait a minute.” He then gets out an English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it. “Oy Vey, I made myself such ah big mishtake!

It vuzn’t a bacon tree. It vuz a ham bush.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

Dear God, when I am open to fully experiencing Your love for me, as I am right now, I receive an infusion of comfort and strength. The power of Your love allows me to accomplish what I may have felt only a few minutes ago that I could not accomplish.

With Your help all is possible.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Thank You God!

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: The spirit of God’s joy is within me as life.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “Happiness does not consist in pastimes and amusements but in virtuous activities.”
Aristotle

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my gift:
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/op-requests/
An OPEN Prayer Request for ALL the WORLD to See.
Or you can submit a Confidential Positive Prayer Request.
https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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20Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 20, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 20, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Thus says the Lord … ‘ I am the first and I am the last.'”
Isaiah 44:6

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer cooler. One nun said to the other, “Wouldn’t a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?”

The second nun answered, “Indeed it would Sister, but I wouldn’t feel comfortable buying beer as I am certain that it would cause a scene at the check-out counter.”

“I can handle that without a problem” she replied as she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

“We use beer for washing our hair” the nun said, “A shampoo, of sorts, if you will.”

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter, pulled out a package of pretzel sticks and placed them in the bag with the beer. He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled and said, “The curlers are on the house.”

___________

Grandma’s Peanuts

John is out with his friends and stops by his grandmother’s house for a visit.

There’s a bowl of peanuts on the coffee table,

So, John and his friends start snacking on them.

When they’re ready to leave, his friends say, “Nice to meet you, ma’am, and thank you for the peanuts.”

Grandma says, “You’re welcome . Ever since I lost my dentures, all I can do is suck the chocolate off of them.”

___________

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weightlifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice ” I’d like to try the bet”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man “what do you do for a living?

Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?”

The scrawny little man replied “I work for the IRS.”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

God is infinite good, and God’s Spirit of life and love permeates everyone and everything on this marvelous planet that we call home. Today in prayer we give thanks for the beauty that is everywhere on earth and for the diversity of people, plants and animals that make our home a wonder-filled place to live. With God’s help conditions can only improve as the loving Spirit of God moves through each of us to bless the Earth and all that it contains.

Thank You God!

Amen.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: By Divine inspiration, I am now guided daily to the places where I can bless and be bountifully blessed in return.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “It is good to rub and polish our brains against that of others.”
Michel de Montaigne

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my thanksgiving gift:
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU, Happy Thanksgiving!
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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13Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 13, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 13, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“Keep on doing the things that you have learned and received and heard and seen in Me, and the peace of God will be with you.”
Philippians 4:9

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It Was you, wasn’t it son?”

The boy answered, yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”

The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in the cherry tree!”

_________

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St. Peter asked.

‘Well, … I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered.

‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.

I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll beat you all up!

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Couple of minutes ago.’

_________

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

I offer this prayer of peace
Not to the Christian God
Nor to the Buddhist God
Nor to the Islamic God
Nor to the Jewish God
But to the God of ALL humanity.
For the peace that we wish for
Is Not a Christian peace
Nor a Buddhist peace
Nor an Islamic peace
Nor a Jewish peace
But a human peace
For all of us.
I offer this prayer of peace
To the God that lives within all of us
That fills us with happiness and joy
To make us whole
And help us understand life
As an expression of love for all human beings.
For no religion can be better
Than any other religion
For no truth can be truer
Than any other truth
For no nation can be bigger
Than the earth itself.
Help us all go beyond
Our small limits
And realize that we are one
That we are all from the earth.
That we are all earth people
Before we are Indians, Koreans, or Americans.
God made the earth
We humans have to make it prosper
By realizing that we are of the earth
And not of any nation, race, or religion,
By knowing that we are truly one
In our spiritual heritage.
Let us now apologize
To all humanity
For the hurt that religions have caused,
So that we can heal the hurt
Let us now promise to one another
To go beyond egotism and competition
To come together as one in God.
I offer this prayer of peace
To you the almighty God
To help us find you within all of us
So that we may stand proudly one day before you
As one humanity.
I offer this prayer of peace
With all my beloved earth people
For a lasting peace on earth.

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: Within my soul, God comforts me.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, but God will ask how many people you helped get where they needed to go.

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my gift:
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https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

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GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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06Nov

Positive Daily Inspiration – November 6, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - November 6, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

“To set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace.”
Romans 8:6

CHILDREN’S SERMON:
One Easter Sunday morning during the children’s sermon, the minister reached into his bag of props and pulled out an egg. He pointed at the egg and asked “What’s in here?”. One little boy exclaimed “I know, PANTYHOSE”!

SUPPORT A FAMILY:
The future father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?” The surprised groom-to be replied, “Well, no. I was just planning to support your daughter. The rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

GRANDMA’S AGE:
Little Johnny asked his grandma how old she was. Grandma answered, “39 AND HOLDING.” Johnny thought for a moment and then said, “And how old would you be if you let go?”

FIRST TIME USHERS:
A little boy in church for the first time watched as the ushers passed around the offering plates. When they came near his pew, the boy said loudly, “DON’T PAY FOR ME, DADDY. I’M UNDER FIVE.”

PRAYERS:
The Sunday School teacher asked, “Now Johnny, tell me, do you say prayers before eating?” “NO SIR!” he replied. “We don’t have to ’cause my mom is a good cook!”

CLIMB THE WALLS:
“OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU,” the little boy said to his grandmother on his mother’s side. “Now maybe daddy will do the trick he promised us.” The grandmother was curious. “What trick is that?” she asked. “I heard him tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again”.

PALM SUNDAY:
It was Palm Sunday and, because of a sore throat, five-year-old Johnny stayed home from church with a sitter. When the family returned home, they were carrying palm branches. Johnny asked what they were for. “People held them over Jesus’ head as He walked by.” “Wouldn’t you know it,” he fumed. “The one Sunday I don’t go to church, He shows up!”

THE MOOD RING:
My husband bought me a mood ring the other day. When I’m in a good mood it turns green. When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a red mark on his forehead.

LIFE AFTER DEATH:
“Do you believe in life after death?” the boss asked one of his employees. “YES, SIR,” the new employee replied. “Well, then, that makes everything just fine,” The boss went on. “After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see you!”

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

The Student of Life Prayer
Dear God, help me to be a student of life.
May I be constantly learning and becoming better.
May I remember that You are my supreme instructor.
May I look at every experience as an opportunity for growth.
May I learn from what is happened to me and use the knowledge in positive ways.
Dear God, I pray that I am growing and learning every day.
May the person that I was yesterday grow wiser and stronger today.
I ask You to be my instructor, and I promise to be a willing and eager student.

In Jesus Christ name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: I release all to God and live fully, and joyously, and creatively today.

POSITIVE FUNNY QUOTE: “I’m not playing all the wrong notes. I’m playing al the right notes. But not necessarily in the right order.”
Eric Morecambe

_____

In thankfulness to God – I give my gift:
Instant online, or recurring​ monthly giving​:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/
Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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30Oct

Positive Daily Inspiration – October 30, 2022 – Sunday Funnies

Positive Daily Inspiration - October 30, 2022 - Sunday Funnies

(Submitted with our great thanks)

Immediately he spoke to them and said, “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.” Then He climbed into the boat with them, and the wind died down. They were completely amazed.”
Mark 6:51

Years ago, Ann Landers had readers submit funny stories about their children reciting prayers, and saying the Pledge Of Allegiance.

From New York:
When my twin daughters were young, I taught them to say this prayer before going to bed. As I listened outside their door, I could hear them say, “Give us this steak and daily bread, and forgive us our mattresses.” My husband and I always had a good laugh over this. That was over 50 years ago, and the memory still remains in my heart.

From San Francisco:
When I was a child, I learned this prayer as “Our Father, who are in Heaven, Howard be thy name.” I always thought that was God’s real name.

Groton, Mass.:
My mother spent her early childhood saying, “Hail Mary, full of grapes.”

Missoula, Mont.:
My son, who is in nursery school, said, “Our Father, who art in Heaven, how didja know my name?”

Uniontown, Ohio:
I remember thinking this prayer was “Give us this day our jelly bread.”

Covina, Calif.:
I recall reading something years ago about the Pledge of Allegiance. Some child thought it began, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”

Cleveland, Ohio:
“When I was little, I often wondered who Richard Stands was. You know: “I pledge allegiance to the flag … and to the republic for Richard Stands.”

Schenectady, N.Y.:
I once knew a child whose favorite Sunday school song was “Gladly, the Cross-Eyed Bear.”

Tampa, Fla.:
When my husband was 6 years old, he thought a certain prayer was “He suffered under a bunch of violets.” The real words were “under Pontius Pilate,” but at that age, he didn’t know better. To this day, we still snicker in church whenever that prayer is read.

Lake Forest Park, Wash.:
When I was a little girl, we sang a song in Sunday school about Noah. Part of the chorus was “And the rains came down, and the floods came up.” We lived next door to a couple of charming little girls who always sang this song while playing in their garden. Their words were, “And the rains came down, and the spuds came up.”

Oak Harbor, Wash.:
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the bread?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Be quiet until you get to your seat.”

Grand Junction, Colo.:
When I was younger, I believed the line was “Lead a snot into temptation.” I thought I was praying for my little sister to get into trouble.

POSITIVE DAILY PRAYER:

On this day of worship, I take time for my busy life to slow down, to reflect, and to worship You. I give thanks that I can worship at the church of my choice. I pray this day that I go beyond just attending services, to an everlasting spiritual experience reassuring me of Your ever-abiding presence.

In Jesus Christ’s name … Amen

POSITIVE DAILY AFFIRMATION: God comforts me, in the quietness of my soul.

POSITIVE DAILY QUOTE: “The eyes of the cheerful and of the melancholy man are fixed upon the same creation; but very different are the aspects which it bears to them.”
Albert Pike

_____

Every gift helps this ministry reach the world – over 2 million and counting.
Instant online, or recurring monthly giving:
https://positivechristianity.net/donation-tithe/
By mail: Positive Christianity Box 7993 Woodlands, TX 77387

_____

NEED PRAYER? Click https://positivechristianity.net/request-htm/ – Positive Christianity will pray with you, daily, for an entire 2 months.
There Is Never a Charge for Prayer.

Television channels (Free Service):
Inspiration http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChristianity
Prayer http://www.youtube.com/prayerAmerica
Meditation http://www.youtube.com/PositiveChurch

GOD BLESS YOU,
Christopher Ian Chenoweth

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